Teargarden

It’s been a long and ugly weekend. I mean seriously ugly. Hours and hours of cleaning and vacuuming and tidying up shit. Admittedly I am less angry about my relatives coming and I am willing to welcome them (though I can’t welcome them as soon as they arrive because I have work tomorrow). I guess they’ll be in the way. Naturally though… because what else can I expect. They will cause changes to my routine and what happens, happens.

Yesterday I was not feeling good at all because of all the crap happening at home. My mum wasn’t very pleased at all. I started to feel miserable because my week had been so busy and full of work and I wanted a break and just some time for myself. I shouldn’t be selfish, but I didn’t really like my mum getting angry at me.

I suppose I let my emotions get the better of me again because I started cutting myself with a screwdriver. I honestly tried everything not to cut myself. I didn’t eat for a whole day because I refused to eat until things got better. It was stupid, I know. My mum thought it was impossible that I “wasn’t hungry” and that I hadn’t eaten anything. But I’ll look at it in a different light and since I was back to normal today I’ll just say that I had a one-day fast. I don’t want to encourage myself to starve so I’m not going to look at it like that at all.

I tried… I scribbled on some paper and doodled and listened to music to get things off my mind, and I tried tearing it to bits. I even grabbed my pillow and started whacking the side of my bed. I tried to wrap myself in a blanket, like James said, because just like being handed a blanket when in shock, it calms you down, makes you feel better.

I felt nice under my blanket but I was crying so much that I just grabbed almost the first thing I saw. I regret doing it, I really do. I tried to gain self-control but I picked it up and put it back down several times… I didn’t bleed. And then I guess I decided I was being a wuss and stopped. I felt horrid after that. Just, never again. The last time I did that was years ago. I think it was just the fact that I felt so trapped. I wanted to be alone but I couldn’t be alone even for a few minutes to let myself breathe. :(

I promise, I promise I am not doing it again.

Today improved, it was better. A lot of cleaning and hoovering but my mood picked up as well and I just tried to be as patient as I could. I got mildly irritated at my stubborn brother. I woke up at about 5:00am just so I could watch some Doctor Who and get the “me time” I had longed for the entire week. I eventually went back to sleep before anyone else woke up and got myself more sleep.

I went for my blood test yesterday as well. It went alright, I didn’t faint or anything; I am just hoping that the results are good. My cholesterol had better have gone down. :( I don’t know why I’m so worried, I’ve been eating so many peas. /pow I felt good today, I had two pieces of chocolate after dinner because I thought I deserved it after trying so hard to lower my cholesterol. I’m looking forward to seeing some low numbers on printed paper soon, and hopefully no calls from the doctor telling me to take some pills. /eee

I guess this week I’ll be trying to pop out of the house more and hopefully I’ll cheer up a little more during the week. I’ll try to smile. ♥️

Comments on this post

Similarly, our relatives from my mother side are here for a week. I swear it’s a big pain having them around, but I might as well welcome them for they are not here very often. I understand you feel depressed, what I do everytime I feel that way is that I read a good novel, grab my pillow and shout or maybe I play piano. It might not work for you, but you might as well try. After all, you have your dear James to accompany you through your rough times. I don’t have anyone, but I manage not to cut myself. It’s bad, you know that. God bless! :)

I hope your cholesterol went down as well. :D

Everything will be okay Georgina! (: Just remember you just received $50 from me to pay for the renewal of your domains. :D XD MONEY MONEY MONEY! :D

Keep a smile on-Keep a smile on your face! I think I heard that from Barney. XD /wave :P :D ♥ ;) XD /eee

Remember, James is there for you. <3 Call him and talk to him when you are down. He'll cheer you up! Dante always does for me. Just hearing his voice cheers me up.

Remember, don't cut yourself. I know you tried not to which is why I wont say much on this topic. But, I had a best friend who cut herself, she stopped, but she actually bled when she did it. She told me one time when I was in Ohio with her. I was like OMG because you could never think of your best friend, doing that you know? So, if you need someone to talk to I am here. :)
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Exactly. Maybe you should do that sometime this week while your family is in. Just to get out of the house because I know that when my family is here I need to get out of the house because I'm not a people person. I prefer being alone. :P

Oh, that makes sense. :)

Hahaha. Well, just let me know when you come up with something. :) OH! & feel free to donate more than one item. :) Ashley is donating 2 items. :)

Awesome. :D

Peas are amazing. Hahahaha XD .
Cleaning may not be fun but the feeling after it is awesome haha. ♥ But remember whenever to keep a smile on your face (Y) (H) and you have lots of friends and family for you ♥ ♥ Smile.. /hehe

I’m sorry that you had such a rough day. Please don’t hurt yourself. There is always someone you can talk to. If someone you trust isn’t available then there is always a hotline you can call. They’re free and I know it may sound silly but that is what they are there for and you should use them if you need them. Also, we are always here for you and you know where to find us if you need us. We may just be your blog friends but we care about you. ♥

I hope things get better for you and your blood tests come back with good results. *hugs*

I hope you are feeling better. I think you totally did the right think of waking up early to have your own me time. If people won’t give it to you find a way to get yourself. I think then you’ll be able to avoid feeling trapped. I certainly hope so. I think the only shame, if any, should come when you stop trying to have ‘self-control.’ Don’t feel to bad, shame of that could cause its own set of problems, you know?
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Thanks for your nice words on traffic directing. I never really thought of it like that. :) :)

I can understand you in more way then I’d like. I’m glad that you didn’t go too far *hug* It’s a good thing that you stopped in time. Be sure to call up James next time when you’re breaking down. You can even call me/mail me. I wouldn’t mind to listen and cheer you up ♥ I hope things get better for you and your blood results come back good.

Hau dare you *huggs*
someday you’ll live in a house made completely out of cushions. /nad
Hey, that’d be pretty cool. A room with padded walls, matted floor and lots of cushions for stress relief. /awb

Every wugs needs me-time. :)

I hope you pass your blood test. /eee and there’ll be Noudleage!

And why have you got a screwdriver anyway? /sweato

(Y)

James, you mean the padded rooms in insane asylums? xD

Yeah, except with more colors. Maybe cut down on the straightjackets too, only time will tell :P

Why do I have a screwdriver… it’s sonic. Nah, nah… I think it must have been for fixing my shelf or some important gadget. *nod*

Hiii!

Awww *hugs*. Haha that day was pretty crap for me too. But it sucks that you were driven to cut yourself with a screwdriver :(. That is never a good thing, so I hope you never, EVER feel like doing that again. You must have felt crappy to the point of no return! James’ blanket idea is smart though. I never thought of that :P.

I’m glad yesterday was better for you :). Hahaha it always help when you decide on being intent to be happy :). SCREW YOU WORLD, I’M BEING HAPPY! I’M IN CONTROL OF MY OWN DAMN LIFE. RAWR! And yeah. Still sounds quite tiring though D:. All that vaccuming.

Hope your blood tests go well XD. That cholesterol of yours had better have gone down! Grrrr! But you’ve been eating pretty healthy, so I’m sure it has :). I’m suddenly craving peas. LOL.

Hopefully your relatives won’t disturb you too much while they’re herre! ♥

Hehe it was good pizza. :) I’ve watched the film for an Inconvenient Truth twice now as we were forced to watch it in Geography. I thought it was pretty boring the first time but the second time I watched it I paid a lot of attention and it’s really quite shocking.

I think books for school are ridiculously overpriced. I think we should get student discount on them or something.

I hate all the stress of visitors coming to stay. I have to make my room so tidy because someone else was staying in there but really I don’t think they cared.

I’m sorry to hear that you cut yourself. Sometimes everything just gets too much for us. When I’m stressed or worried I bite my nails but more recently, since I started college, I’ve noticed that I bite my hand. It’s a really strange thing to do. :S

I have found a certain song that always calms me down. I rest on my bed and listen to it through a few times. I find the lyrics kind of reassuring.

I hope your cholesterol goes down! :) and please please pleaseee try to talk to people who can comfort you , like your boyfriend or a close family member…cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything :( And I know how you feel; I’m the type of person that allows my emotions to build up and then finally I just explode. 💥 (<–that was the perfect smilie to emphasize my point! lol hehe) But I'm trying to work on that…and I suggest you don't try to "make" time for yourself if you feel yourself getting to that point…you TAKE IT! 🤬 So, yea, your mum may be a little mad that you are being selfish but one thing I've learned in this world is NO ONE will take care of you like YOU. If you feel like you need a break; TAKE IT. Lock yourself in ur bathroom for 3 hours if you need to. Whatever else that's going on behind that locked door CAN WAIT! You have to take care of yourself!! Okay? Promise!

Did you know it takes more muscles in your mouth to frown then to smile? So; I definitely hope you try to smile todayyy! Have a WONDERFUL DAY!

*hugs* I hope that things get better soon. If you need to cry alone, go cry, but keep trying really hard to not cut yourself please! Even though you’re stressed out and that you have to cry, I think that your life is tough and that you’re handling it as well as you can. You’ve got a lot on your plate and most of the time, you manage it just fine. :D You’re awesome.

Let’s hope that the blood test is all right! I’m sure that you will see improvement, even if you don’t pass. :D You’re putting in an effort into your diet that people I know believe is “too hard”. You show me that it’s all possible.

*HUGGLES* I’m so sorry that all this has been getting you down :( It’s not good to harm yourself (as I’m sure you know, you’re not stupid) and I’m guessing you did it impulsively and irrationally, which is natural when you’re feeling angry and depressed. But there are other ways to deal with those emotions. You know you’re welcome to talk to any of us anytime (me as well!). We’re always here for you, Georgie, no matter how ranty you get or how big the problem we’ll be there for you. Even if it’s just to listen. And don’t forget, you have James and I’m sure you have some lovely real-life friends too who can offer advice or be that shoulder to cry on. You don’t have to go through it alone! ♥

Just think – it might not be as bad as you imagine it to be. It might be, but dwelling on it doesn’t help any. Sometimes you have to try and see the positive side of things. Maybe writing a pros/cons list might help sort out your thoughts? Like, Pro: get to do fun things with family; Con: have to share a bathroom. Pro: will get to have lots of yummy food because parents will have to cook large meals. Con: No ‘winding down’ or ‘me’ time. Or something like that!! For example. we’re moving house and I’ve been packing up my stuff and I’m HATING it because it’s such a pain in the ass. But on the other hand, it has given me an opportunity to get rid of crap I’ve held onto over the years, and recycle magazines and other things, and so I’ll be a whole lot lighter when I move to the new house :) It’s almost like turning over a new leaf. Good luck, though <333

I also hope that you get the results you want for your blood test! *crosses fingers* :)

(Sorry if this posts twice – having internet problems at work UGH!) lol.

wooooooooooo! good thing you didn’t continue it! good decision. I also have done that before. Honestly, I feel horrible doing that too. Now I am promising myself not to do that again. Because I know I will only hurt myself and left another scar again. Sometimes, seeing the scar reminds me I’m such a stupid ass doing those kind of things. I’m happy for you that you haven’t continue it! :D ahh! I miss having my relatives around /eee though i know it such a pain spending your time with them when you know you have another plans on that day on. I really hate ruining my plans for something you didn’t expect to happen. @_@

I think I’d die if my relatives came to stay with me – we have such a huge family as well, but we only have a 2 bedroom house so there would be no room for them! I hate it when people upset my routine, gah. But hey, at least it’s not forever, right?

I’m so sorry things got to a point where you had to cut yourself. I know things must have been bad for you to do that – I mean, I always stopped myself and only ever done it when things were really bad. I’m glad you know it was wrong though and are going to try and stop. Starving yourself isn’t a good thing at all, but I do know when I’m feeling down I don’t really feel hungry. I’m glad you’re not going to do it again though. ♥

Like Stephanie said, you have so much going on in your life and not many people could cope with that but it’ll all be worth it in the end! It’s just a long and emotional journey. *hugs*

I’m happy to hear the next day was better for you! I think having that bit of “me” time really helped – you should do it more often, even if that means losing a couple of hours sleep. You need time to relax!

I hope your cholesterol has gone down – I’m sure it has since you’ve been eating super healthy lately! /bounce

I am really sorry whats going on at home. Home right now is rubbish for me, I just wanna scream so loud. Please don’t hurt yourself, I am depressed and I refuse to hurt myself because of others.

I doodle in my book called Wreck this Journal from Keri Smith, really keeps my mind off things http://www.amazon.com/Wreck-This-Journal-Keri-Smith/dp/039953346X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317128918&sr=8-1 you do some creative things in it.

Hope your results come back good.

Affies? Linked you already :)

That sucks T_T. I hope your room is all clean and tidy now though! I don’t blame you for wanting time for yourself…I am selfish like that all the time. I think every individual is entitled to their “personal space” which kind of rejuvenates/recharges you :D.

O_o do you actually cut yourself? I hope you didn’t do anything crazy…I have tried to starve myself but never really succeeded ^_^; You have great will power!

Good luck with getting your test results and I hope your upcoming days will be more cheerful and happier! Keep smiling :D

You’ve been really hardcore about your diet, I can’t imagine your cholesterol not going down drastically.

Ewh, I hate cleaning. :( Tidying up is the worst! I never know where to put things.
I don’t like welcoming my relatives either. It’s kind of… awkward. What are you supposed to say? “Welcome to my home…” LOL.
What do you work as?

Awh, sorry to hear. Parents are always a drag. :( Your mom always seems to be angry a lot. :S

WHAT. You shouldn’t cut. I did that for a while back in junior high school. Rumors started because of it, which made me even more ugh. Anyways, you shouldn’t cut. It’s not healthy. :( I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot before.

Hm, I didn’t know about the blanket thing. I’ll try it next time because I’m upset a lot. D: Freakin’ parents. You should try breathing exercises! They help me. I also eat, which isn’t very healthy when I’m upset.
I think the best way to not feel so “trapped” is to be alone. I like to be alone & think about random things. It usually calms me down.

That’s early for waking up. You should watch them online later in the day, so you’re not too tired.

I hate blood tests. I don’t mind getting shots, but taking blood tests hurt! D: I hate peas lol. They have this “sandy” texture… like I’m eating sand. I love chocolate! I don’t know much about cholesterol (silly me), but I do know that it’s bad if it’s up too high. You should try eating cheerios to lower it! :D

You better smile, or I’ll harass you on Twitter for not smiling lol. SMILE SMILE SMILE. :D

I hope your cholesterol goes down! I know you have been trying really hard to get to that point!

As far as you cutting, I’m sorry. :( I can’t exactly say why I’m so sorry, but I think it’s because I have been there, and I know that pain? I haven’t cut recently, but I have wanted to so badly that it hurts. I have started to, and I have had those thoughts, but I have kept self-control. My whole “I’m pretty” statement I tell myself everyday is what stops me. It’s what has made me not want to do any of that ever again — mostly because it will make me look ugly, but that’s just what I tell myself and make myself believe whether it’s true or not.

If you need anyone to chat with anytime, you know how to reach me. :3

i felt a bit overwhelmed wen my dads sister came for a bit. i never got a sec alone lol. i hope u dont cut yourself again its a dangerous habit, trust me i know.

I don’t think I have ever had my browsers crash, but over time they start to go really slow so I have to remove them then re install them since Norton won’t fix the problem.

Haha, well my partner didn’t like the name Kurt Cobain for a guinea pig, said it would be an insult to Nirvana, so I tweaked the first name. :p

Yes I have a uni course in mind. (H) I’m hoping to get in next year to study pathology and maybe go on to haematology later on, if I am career savy enough. :)

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It’s always exciting to have family come to visit, at least until their welcome becomes too much. We rarely had external family come to visit, I don’t think they really liked Perth too much; most of them are from Queensland.

I am glad your day picked up in the end, but I am sad for you that you have to wake up at 5am to get “me” time. :( Your mum sounds like my mum in a way. I love my mum to death, she is my best friend, but sometimes she just does not make sense. She would always make me clean my sisters room even though I was tired from school and work. We don’t get along so great when we see each other all the time, but our relationship is perfect when living in separate states. :p Haha Doctor Hoo, I have never seen it before, but Sheldon from BBT watches it. :p

I remember you saying you had a cholesterol problem or high cholesterol. It makes me think about how I take eating junk food for granted.

:)

Honestly, I find it irritating and quite disturbing too if my relatives from other country comes for a visit even though they won’t be staying in the house I’m living in, but yeah… there’ll be lots of gatherings and eating together kind of moments which are just plain useless and waste of time. I, too, find relatives coming over to be getting in the way… (I feel so damn evil). (H)
Cutting self with screwdriver,eh… Hm… I do know how it feels to cut our own wrist(s) since I do that quite often when I’m depressed… but usually with a scissor (though it ends up as a failure,tsk ) but really.. a screwdriver? /wince. you must be very…….. erm,stress? I’m sorry to hear you have to face this kind of condition. This kind of situation is just really stressing to the point that I usually don’t know what to do but to cry… /sigh.
Everything has been rubbish in my life too,anyways.. especially the family problem I blogged about last time.. :(
Oh well, I just hope everything works out for you. I can’t really say much since I’m quite… mentally unstable myself. @_@