Rain on everything that I know
I don’t know how to describe these days. It’s like I’m stressed, but I’m too busy to notice. Yeah, that’s probably it. For a moment there I reminisced on my old blog posts, the words I used to write when I struggled with depression. I think what some people didn’t pick up from my last blog post is that I used to self-harm when I was in high school, and I was much more miserable and in a worse state than I currently am. It was worse than just scratching, it was bruises and blood.
My blog posts – they were convoluted and deep, much like the blog posts I write at glassfields.net, and every second word was a word that a commoner would ask the definition of, and to be honest I think I underestimated them greatly. I think that I should have loved them a lot more, but after it all I used to just look back on my posts and think, “meh”. As a writer, and as a person of course, I get so critical with my work and I suppose sometimes I say it’s horrid, when if I let myself think about it, it usually isn’t.
Perhaps I want to write deeply again, write things that I could more personally reflect on and see how far I’ve come. I can reflect on what I have now, but then part of me wonders whether there is much depth in what I write, when a lot of it has been stories about what has happened in my life. Maybe it is true that as my audience of writing has changed, so too has my intention: I don’t really write for myself anymore, I write for other people to read.
Regardless, I always said to James that if no one read my blog posts I would still write. And honestly, I would – that’s not to say that you should all scurry away now and watch me prove that though. :)
It rained today, and it really crushed my mood. The weather really enjoys toying with my plans. I wanted to go and process some film today at university, but decided to do it another day instead. It’s not urgent. I still had to travel to university for a postgraduate information night, as I’m looking to complete a Masters degree once I finish my Bachelor this year. I had to fill in an extra form for one of the courses I was interested in – I really hope they consider what I wrote and take a look at my resume and portfolio. I have potential, dude. ;) (According to my employer, I do.) They had some refreshments which included some very lovely cheese and crackers…
I think the only disadvantage to doing a Masters program is the times. I may have to quit my job at the education centre since all the classes are on at night. The programs are designed for people working full time. I’m not working full time, which leaves me in a pickle – unless I can work more hours at my new job.
On Monday before work in the afternoon I went to the chemist to use their photo centre. I asked the man at the counter if they would be okay with printing 700 photos. If you want to know why – well, my mum wants to print all the photos worth printing, because we haven’t printed any photos since getting our digital camera in 2005. Despite making backups she is still paranoid that my hard drives will explode and I’ll lose the photos. The man at the counter said 700 was okay, but it would be a two-day wait because their machine was playing up. I figured it was cool, it was the best I could do since I wouldn’t have time later.
He asked if I knew how to use the machine and when I responded in the negative, he said he would be with me in a minute as he dealt with another customer. After I waited for a few minutes he didn’t come, so I decided to work it out myself. It wouldn’t let me print 700 at once – the limit was 400. When I mentioned this to the man he said, “Oh sorry, I forgot about you!”
I asked if there was an easier way to deselect half the photos, instead of tapping each of the photos individually. He said there wasn’t an easier way. I got irritated, because I was already running late and I couldn’t believe there wasn’t an easier way. On top of that I had to pay an extra $2 for matte printing and I hadn’t been aware of this at all.
I phoned my mum and told her I could only print half. She said not to worry and that if I didn’t have time, it was fine.
Today after my dad picked up the photos, my mum said she wasn’t happy that I could only print half. Well, that’s what I told her. I’m not printing at the chemist again. They are silly.
It also turns out that my relatives are staying at my aunt’s place for the time being, and they’ll be with us on Saturday. I’m busy as hell on that day and days after. Well, we’ll see how this goes, I guess.
Goddammit! If I were you, I think that I’d slap your mom. She was the one that told you that half was okay – she has no right to be unhappy. I have a friend who works at a photo printing shop. He says that some people are paranoid and come in wanting to print 3000 pictures at once. Then he rolls his eyes and tries to do his best. I don’t know how he handles his job.
May the weather be better, and may your days become jolly! Thank god that we don’t throw all those who have ever cut themselves into an asylum anymore! *hugs* Good luck on your Masters program! Hopefully, you won’t be this busy for too much longer!
I’m really glad that your life is improving compare to when you were in high school =) Life is hard–that’s a given, but you’re really strong to have gone so far!
lol I don’t think we will scurry away to prove you wrong hahaha
Yay, congratulation on deciding to get your masters! I decided pretty late..lol But it’s never too late to continue education.
Wait, a chemist prints photos for you? O_o; I thought chemist are people who do science stuff in labs XD
I hope you get to spend time with your relatives though even though you’re so busy >_<
Hi nyuu, I’m not sure what country you’re from, but in Australia a ‘chemist’ is basically the same thing as a pharmacy, where you can buy prescription drugs, or everyday drugs (like Panadol, other painkillers), supplements, vitamins, condoms haha. Apart from those things, they also sell gifts, and print photos! :P I hope that makes more sense! :D
I hope you days get better soon. I’m also glad that you’re not longer as miserable as you were in high school ♥
I feel the same way about my writings. Years ago, when I started to get serious about writing, I only ever wrote for myself. I showed nobody what I wrote. Now I feel as if I write for others.
Again, I hope your days improved. And good luck with school, I know how stressful it can be. :)
I feel the same way about my writing. I don’t want to write senseless “I did this today, I did that”. I want to write something I can look back on and not be embarrassed by how shallow it all sounds. Agh, I don’t know. I’m in rut with my blog right now, lol. I think you’re a fantastic writer, though. I just like how everything seems to flow together. :)
It’s supposed to start snowing soon where I am, so the weather has been a bit random. Rainy. Sunny. Cloudy. Hot. Freezing. Hot. Rainy. Windy. I love unpredictable weather. 😒
Everyone these days should be busy and stressed! But that is part of life :(! There’s always a point in people’s lives where they’re down to the downest.
The goal of life is to obtain happiness. You’re just on your way to pursue it. You’ll get past this.
Plans are not made to always go accordingly. But remmeber, there’s always another day to get your plans done :)! Good luck with your journey to a masters :D!
The masters programs are always made to be done at night! That’s what I barely learned today from my teacher who wants a doctorate in English Literature :x.
You’re one lucky girl to have 700 pictures printed out! I would love to have those done! I am on my journey to printing a book with 300 pictures for my band album :(.
The referees are weird, the band is supposed to be there and play for a reason, dang it! But we won, and that’s all what I care for :)!
That’s what I did yesterday with the yearbook pages! I did a sample print and it looks nice :)!
I have a friend who revealed to me she self-harmed a few years back. I wasn’t that taken aback as she always had this need/attitude to please, but it was still pretty shocking. It was good that she opened up to me though, as she never told anyone. Once she started to use knives to cut her legs and arms she realized that she had to talk to someone and not tick it off as just teen angst. She always struggled with her weight and height (very tall and full figured) and that’s where the majority of her issues came from. I’d like to say that I understand what you’re going through, but I don’t. I know that most of the time though it’s just a lack of having a compassionate person around to just listen to you rather than criticize you. At least, I hope, you have your boyfriend to count on with this part of your life. And hey, keeping busy is good. Keeps you out of trouble! :P
WUGGS WUGGS WUGGS :3
Its good you don’t self harm yourself anymore. As much. 3: I find it mighty sads
Screw Kumon. Tahee. Sharon sucks
That camera guy sounded like a douche, but he was probably just forgetful and frustrated about his humiliating job. /sweato
Awe thanks! Yeah i needed a hobby for this winter so i thought i would pick one that at least made me money :)
me too! I don’t know what i feel neither. I’m not that kinda stress. But i felt horrible these past few days, /pow gaaah! working in night time? jeeeh! that’s so tiring, >.<' I hope you can still manage your time though having a night work xD jeee! 700 photos?? XD that's too many! well, i can't blame you if some of the photos haven't printed since 2005. jeeh! it took so long to be printed, :) good thing they accept printing those pictures (Y) (Y)
Man I’m sorry to hear that!! Your mom sounds like a trip. Seriously though. I would’ve smacked her from there to kingdom come! But that’s just me.
That’s alright to write deeply on your thoughts. It’s your blog after all. Nothing wrong with that. I haven’t written in mine and i feel so bad for it too.
Hmmm, well; I’m not going to get a place of my own yet. I’m staying put until I can get some money saved up for a car and what not. That’s the major thing right there. I have it good here, and I won’t be babysitting for long since my sissy is going to Canada this coming month or so. :( .I’m gonna miss her like crazy but at least I’ll get more sleep. Which I have been doing a LOT lately.
I have my 48 hour eeg test coming up this month. I’m a little bit scared but not to much. I know what the outcome is going to be. I do believe. But anyway. I’ll write more later. Sorry again for the short comment! Hope all is well.
Ahhh, such busy bees we all are! But we get through it anyway, right? That’s how life seems to work at least. May your days get better! :)
The printing photo bit made me think about my life, how I don’t have many pictures (like Kodak moments, not those take-picture-of-yourself-in-your-room pictures) of my teenage life. If I ever have kids, I won’t have any pictures to show them of my life and times in middle/high school. OH WELL. I was never one to take a gazillion pictures of myself anyway…and those were my uninteresting years…
“I don’t really write for myself anymore, I write for other people to read.” <—- I liked what you said here – you make a point. I think I do both and I'm fine with that. Some posts are meant to be useful info/eye-opener to readers and some are just my rambles. I dunno. My life is whacky. That's what I get for being an Aquarius.
& about the shout box – sorry! I switched to b2evolution because typing on WordPress lagged a lot and it irritated me. xD The comments file messed up and because I'm a b2evo. newbie, I didn't know how to fix it and after setting up the site, I got lazy to try and fix anything. -__- And honestly, I don't see myself fixing the problem anytime soon unless someone wants to try and do it for me. :T So for now, shout box it is.
I don’t know who I write my posts for. I think if I didn’t have a blog, I wouldn’t write in my journal, but if I did, it would be pretty much the same as what I have in my blog. I wouldn’t be upset if no one read my blog, but I’m glad they do.
wouldn’t it be easier to order the photos online?
Hi Georgina! :D Guess what? I’m alive, back and doing alright! I think your blog posts are amazing, and even though I’ve gone from reading them for a while, I never forgot about you. ;D And now I’m back and trying to get my site up and running. Life has been stressful, but I’m doing well and I can’t wait to start reading your blogs again! :D
How have you been? :)
My sister self-harmed once or twice, when she was in her teens. I don’t think she was truly depressed – I think it was more so for ‘attention’ and just being a hormonal, emo, angsty teenager. I don’t doubt that what you were suffering was actual depression, though. ♥ I’m sorry you went through that. :( Depression actually runs in my family, on my dad’s side, and he’s been through it. He never self-harmed (that I know of) but yeah. It’s not a nice thing. I’m glad you’re better than you were. I hope you continue to feel better <333
I love writing, but it can take me a long time to get motivated to begin in the first place! I feel like I need to write more meaningful posts on my Livejournal. Ever since I've got it, it's been an "all about my day" journal, and oh god, the posts I used to write when I was in my last year of high school, and during Uni. D: I wrote about the same things all the time lol. I don't post there much anymore. Not only because people are leaving LJ and they hardly comment on my posts, but because I'm unmotivated and lazy and I don't think my posts are worthwhile *shrug*
I feel like I want to create a WordPress journal, and just write about my thoughts on life in general. IDK if I can be bothered. Would anyone actually read it?! haha. I'd probably write it anyway. So yeah, I kinda get where you're coming from about writing. (I'm rambling, sorry)
Grrrr I'd be annoyed at your Mum if I were you. She said half the photos was okay *sigh* Parents. I just don't get them sometimes. *hugs*
Take care of yourself, lovely! ♥
I know how it is with depression. I’ve never personally self harmed, but I have had suicidal thoughts. Not actually about doing it, but how I’d be better off dying. Bad times, really bad times.
I’ve been trying to blog again lately. Being out of work, I have more time to put my thoughts together. Blogging is such a therapeutic way to get through your times. Can’t believe I’ve put it off for so long.
700 photos? I can’t even imagine how much that would cost here. I still have to print off my photos from Dan’s visit to America, because I want to start on a collage. Now that I’m out of work, I have time to work on it. :P
Be strong missy. We love you! ;) ♥
I love your blog and I’ll continue reading no matter what, you can be sure of that. /mwah
It must have been really difficult for you when you were suffering from depression. I hope you’re much better now!
I believe staying busy helps to keep the negative thoughts out of my head. And oh, I think I’m always stressed without actually knowing that I am. This has given me problems before, like bad gastric pains. It’s terrible.
And your mother sounds a bit like me – worried that my computer will just die suddenly and all my thumb drives and memory cards will get stolen, losing all my photos. I would want to print all the photos I have but at the same time, I’m quite lazy (and penniless) and these photo people always annoy me. :/
And thank you for your comment on my blog, Georgina! It’s very sweet and encouraging!