I don't want to study anymore either

Early this morning at about 3am, I had a panic attack. I never had one before, and the feeling was horrible. I couldn’t breathe, I found myself looking for cover, trying to curl into a ball while I was sitting at my desk. After trying to move off my chair to sit on the floor and failing, I bowed my head down and let my chest heave as I panted, until I managed to calm down about ten minutes later.

The thing is, it was worse before that. I started hallucinating. I was seeing images from the movie The Shining. I was seeing blood dripping down the walls, “REDRUM” in red around me, and the walls, which had turned black, were caving in. I saw anime characters, and multiple instances of No-Face from Spirited Away, with his face distorted like Edvard Munch’s The Scream. It was terrifying. I was alone at the time, and going to the kitchen just for a glass of water was difficult. I had to turn on every light, look around my shoulder, and make sure there wasn’t a murderer in the shadows.

I was up late working on a group assignment, and as I mentioned to Daniel and Jamie, I am not doing that ever again. I am not staying up for an assignment. I am not staying up until my eyes droop and until my vision goes black because god forbid, no assignment is more important than my health. This assignment was pure hell. I was working on it all weekend, and it involved proofreading and formatting a 93-page project proposal. I actually logged twelve whole hours of it on Saturday, when I was feeling a little better from my digestive problems. I have never spent so long on an assignment in such a short period of time.

I will be honest, I didn’t eat anything for a few days. On Sunday after working so hard for many hours, I went to have lunch with Seb by the harbour, which was nice. I was going to see Lime Cordiale play, but their set was cancelled due to rain. I think that was a good thing because I came early for lunch only to find that their set had been moved from 3pm to 6pm, and I went home (after Seb convinced me not to stay). I didn’t miss anything!

Yeah, alright, so I was on the phone with Andrew for a few hours but I love that guy because he is one of my best friends and we rarely get to talk. I once said Hey Geronimo > uni, and now, everything seriously takes priority over university.

While I was alone during my panic attack, I am forever thankful that Daniel was online to help me get through it. He was also there when I finally finished the assignment and went to bed at 5:30am. After dealing with a seemingly hostile group member, having my friends around meant more than anything, and to finally hear James talk over the phone this afternoon was sweet to my ears.

I went home early from work because I felt utterly sick. I ate yoghurt and oats this morning, and the yoghurt must have gone bad because I instantly felt ill. I had excruciating abdominal pain that felt worse than any menstrual cramps I have ever had, I vomited a little and had to visit the toilet several times. After struggling through some work I eventually went home.

I walked home from the bus stop, and it made me nostalgic. I missed walking home in the afternoons with the glorious afternoon sunshine. It lightened my mood. A little bit.

Everything sucks. I still feel ill and my stomach hates food. I hope I get better soon.