You should be medicated, baby

Yesterday I went to the Brain Dynamics Centre to take part in a depression study. My depression was found to be significant enough to warrant medical attention. I have previously gone to a psychologist and talked to people and found that my self harming tendencies had ceased. I have, however, always been moody, irritable, short-tempered and easily annoyed.

Taking part in this study was my own personal choice even though I was very nervous about it. I have recently lost interest in things I love doing and also found my mood swings to be ridiculous, also finding that sometimes I like to literally sit there and do nothing. I also found that I was unhappy for no reason at all. Hoping I could help myself and help in the fight against depression, I agreed to take part in the study.

Part of the study was a lot of questions, blood and urine samples taken, tests including a cognitive brain test as well as an EEG. An EEG is an electroencephalogram, which measures activity in the brain. This was done while I completed some exercises.

The doctors working with me were so cooperative and friendly. One of them reminds me of River Song from Doctor Who because she has the same last name. Doctor Song! ☺️ But they were really very kind and didn’t judge me at all. Of course they were surprised to hear that I had high cholesterol.

Which, by the way, didn’t go down by very much. I ate like a freak. I ate so many vegetables and fruit every day and my cholesterol only lowered to 6.8 (from 7.3 – and 5.5 is about the recommended). I was so shocked. I thought that since I didn’t get a call, it was okay. I guess since there was at least a decrease in the levels, they thought it fine. I’m still disappointed with that outcome…

Anyway, I have never properly been diagnosed with depression before now. Of course I had to reveal a bit about my self harming past in the process but I’m glad I can talk about it comfortably and honestly. As part of the study and for my own well-being I was recommended to take medication. Just like my mother I have been a bit skeptical about medication for anything so I made sure I asked all the questions I could. I’ve always been a girl for natural things and I hate taking even painkillers when I have a bit of pain. My mum was really very worried and I had to keep convincing her, after my own thought, that I really wanted to take this step and really wanted to fix myself up.

We got into some arguments and tiffs but after heated discussion she decided that she’d let me give it a go. I think that what my GP said eased her up a bit. She’s just worried about me, I know. The reason I chose to go for the medication is because after talking to this specialist doctor who is working in the study, I realise a lot of my problems – irritability, mood swings, loss of appetite, constipation problems, loss of motivation and interest in activities – are all most likely caused by my depression. I hope that the anti depressants I’m taking will help stabilise the chemicals in my brain… because I was not always aware that you can only go so long fighting on your own. I want to thank Kate for all her support the past day and a half and for helping me make the right decision. Love you girly. 🌹

I really hope that these anti depressants will help me deal with situations better and feel better overall. I remember Andrew asking me a month ago if I remember the last time I was really truly happy… and I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember and it made me upset.

I hope I’ve made the right decision. I will be monitored and called up regularly by the study doctors to see that I’m doing alright and in the end it is also my decision if I choose to stop. I won’t see effects until after four weeks but I hope it works out for me. And at the end of it I’ll see results after a follow-up at the clinic with another set of tests.

I’m already experiencing a bit of the common side effects of starting the medication… bit dizzy and light-headed and a bit nauseous too. I’m also tired as heck, but that’s probably because I didn’t sleep enough last night. I should head off to bed now.

Thank you everyone for your support. ♥️

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