What you want

There are times I’ve thought, I know what I want, I’m just gonna go for it, maybe, yes, no. It might have been as simple as buying some food from a restaurant, ordering something online, or something as big as a career change.

There are times I realise I could have tried harder to get what I want, but didn’t. Sometimes I’m not a hundred percent sure why. There have been many difficult times in my life where I’ve made decisions that I probably shouldn’t have, or made decisions to settle with something less than what I wanted, or that simply wasn’t what I wanted at all. It’s obvious that those decisions got me, eventually, to where I am today, and any mistakes I made wouldn’t make me the person I am today. Had I not made mistakes, I would not have learned from them, and I would not have known the difference between right and wrong, hate and love, anger and joy, sadness and happiness.

I suppose the same applies for every person, and sometimes a bit of regret can lead you to keep thinking about those decisions and rethinking what you actually want.

People can want anything in life, and they have every right to choose that. They also have every right to choose what they don’t want. The thing that pinned me down the most when it came to what I wanted was thinking too much about other people around me, and caring more about what they wanted than what I wanted.

Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?
Allie: It’s not that simple.

–The Notebook

Sometimes it is simple, sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is just hard to wade through the pain and upset, the frustration and the sadness.

On the other hand, sometimes what you want is staring you in the face. And what you have to do to get it, realistically, isn’t that hard. All the steps you plan in your head, all the time spent imagining how it might go, and then as soon as you realise your mother might not be happy with it, your sister might shun you for it, your sister might hate you forever – you stop. Then you don’t do it.

It was some time last year. I might have tried a few times to go for it. To do what I wanted to do. But I retreated, after thinking about how I might be better off not going for it, because it would keep everyone happy. Everyone else, that is – even though I was not.

I know I tried with difficulty, to shy from the pain, and it was hard. I guess there is also an innate fear associated with taking that step and telling yourself to do so. Some things are difficult when they are inextricably linked to something you want, but is so sensitive.

After thinking about what I wanted and going through familiar motions, sadly it became the end of us.

Although this relationship has ended, if you are currently in a relationship that is on the rocks, counselling as a couple might be right for you.

Comments on this post

I read your post (like all of your posts) in my RSS feeder and didn’t see the categories, but I just knew what it was about when I read the last sentence. This is me admiring your exquisite writing. :P

Ultimately, it’s better to go for what you want if there will be less pain, mess, and hurt in the long run. It may be selfish to do what makes only you happy, but when you really think about it… is it any better to sacrifice your happiness for a discomfort that will continue until you leave the discomfort to seek your happiness? Personally, I don’t think that’s better. In the end, your own happiness will make itself known.

:love:

We all make mistakes in life. It’s what we’ve learned from them that counts. If we keep making the same mistakes over and over, time and again, we obviously haven’t learned from it.

But you do what makes you happy, and screw all the rest that doesn’t want to see you happy. Or want what’s best for you. You know what’s best for you. Keeping yourself happy for others isn’t what is best. What’s best is keeping yourself happy for you.

Big hugs. Sometimes when we have to do what’s right, what’s best for ourselves, it isn’t an easy choice to make – but it’s ultimately for the best. I hope you feel better soon.

It’s not the same thing, but I had a similar thought process about whether to go to a yoga class this weekend… That is what I was going to comment about, until I got to the end of the post. Beautifully written and I hope you are doing well. ♥

First, beautiful writing. :)

Second, it’s usually best to put what makes you happy first. Sure, you may not want to hurt someone or you might want to keep somebody else happy–but does that really mean anything if you’re struggling to smile and find joy in life?

-hugs-

I just wanna give you a hug right now Georgie. O_O

first, i love how you word this entry out.

on the other hand, i personally think it’s alright to do what you want. this may sound selfish but i feel like if we don’t do the things we want, we’d end up regretting and always looking back at all the what-ifs. or maybe that’s just me. i did try be like that, pretending that what i want to do / have is not important so maybe it’s alright if i end up ditching it because that would make others happy but eh, i end up feeling like i just pushed myself to drown and that’s not a good feeling at all ugh O_O and so i thought that no, it’s not in my trait to be selfless. i admit i’m selfish but i’m selfish in a way that i wanna be the leader of my life so yeah, i mostly (accidentally) hurt others during the process of getting what i want. like for instance how i rebelled and chose design major instead of medical degree because that’s what my mom initially insisted me to go for. i still think she hides that expectation where her only daughter is a doctor or at least could have become one….if only the daughter did not take interactive design, ey. i remember arguing with her like there was a WW3 in the house but honestly, i don’t care because i want to achieve what’s in my list without being kept behind bars by other people and what THEY want instead.

i don’t know what position you’re currently in or what is it you’re currently dealing with but i hope everything works out for you. i always think selfless people are admirable and are sometimes um…underrated (is this even the proper word)? i think it’s absolutely alright for you to put yourself first. good luck!

This post of yours spoke to me in a really weird way, and so I wrote a post inspired by it. /rose

I think knowing what you want and going after that is a good thing, even if it upsets someone later on. In the end, if you’re not happy, what good is making someone else happy?

I know you have a newer post, but I read this and couldn’t help but comment. I hope this comment doesn’t seem offensive, but I just wanted to be honest with you in saying that through some discussion we’ve had through here or on some of my blog posts, I could sense that your heart was telling you something that your mind was pushing aside. While my heart breaks to hear of your struggle, I’m glad to know that you’re OK and happy with what your heart wants.

If your heart keeps telling you something, despite what everyone else says, listen to it. :) I’m happy you did, though I hope the process of healing is getting better. I hope things are OK. And I hope you also don’t feel guilty or selfish about your decision. Your own happiness should always come first. The rest will come to pass and understand. Thank you for the beautiful post, Georgie.

Thank you so much for your support Christa. I know I may have confessed a few things in some of your posts that I could relate to deeply – it is a bit sad that it has taken me time to really get down to the bottom of it and get the courage and strength I needed. But I am glad I came to that. I’m a lot better now, and I feel almost silly for not doing it earlier, because I am in a much happier place. ♥

:love: ah sweetheart, I admire you I really do. Lots of love and hugs. Even if I don’t always comment I read … You’re still young so get out there and live ♥

I’ve lost my motivation to blog, so I won’t be blogging again but I have you on Twitter and Instagram so I’ll be checking up on you 😍

Hey Sage, definitely – don’t worry about not blogging. I am just an email away and I would love to keep in touch. ♥