1 thing men do that I dislike
In what universe would you comfortably date a stranger?
The correct answer is: no universe. In no universe would anyone feel completely comfortable dating a stranger. Even stupid reality television shows like The Bachelor rely on the contestants getting to know the bachelor before going on any official – well – ‘date’.
I was walking down the street today to catch a bus with Nick. We usually meet at the bus stop. As I walked past a coffee shop minding my own business, a young man approached me and said hello. By the way he was standing in the middle of the path and cutting sideways to intercept my walking, and from his body language, I inferred that he was a charity spokesperson trying to get me to donate money or sign up to sponsor a child.
Instead he asked, “Can I walk and talk with you?”
I quickly assumed he was lost, and responded with, “Are you alright? Can I help you?” However, I continued walking at the same moderately fast pace.
He asked why I was in a rush and where I was going.
“I’m going to meet my boyfriend,” I responded quickly, again, walking speedily and hoping to get this guy off my back.
“Oh you have a boyfriend? I wanted to be your boyfriend!”
… OK. Stop right there.
I’m not going to say I am used to be being hit on or flirted with, but this is not the first time someone has approached me in this way. Attempting to win my heart, get a date with me, ask me out, get my number, tell me I’m pretty but really weaving their way into a conversation to ask me out for coffee… anything along those lines.
As my younger yet wise brother Brandon suggested, he sincerely did not want me to be one of those women who ‘have a predisposition that every guy who approaches you wants to date you’. With that aside, no, I have never assumed that every guy who talks to me wants to go out with me. I can tell you many embarrassing stories where I have been completely oblivious to someone flirting with me, completely shocked that someone has confessed their feelings for me, or just plain blind to someone’s moves (I suppose Nick can tell you a couple of those).
If you approach a woman and tell her straight up that you want to date her or be her boyfriend, then there is going to be very little going through her mind except, “Ew, no, I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, I don’t even know you.”
Because I’m nice, I continued to talk to this guy, but he kept dropping hints and asking how he could contact me.
I have zero problems with behaviour (from men) such as:
- A simple compliment where you are happy with a ‘thank you’ in response.
- Kindly holding open a door from me out of politeness.
- Friendly small talk.
However, the moment you leave a bad first impression is the moment you are unappealing, not interesting, or even a complete turn-off.
Unfortunately, a lot of men make this mistake by coming right out and telling a woman (whom they don’t even know) that they want to date them.
People (not just women) are emotional human beings and most people only want to start a serious relationship with someone they can share an emotional connection with. You don’t get that emotional connection with someone you bump into in the street. I’m not saying you can’t get to know someone that way. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t approach that girl at the cafe and ask about the little cactus keyring on her bag because you like cacti too and you could possibly hit it off and are destined to be cute and grow cacti in your own little home garden (aww, that’s cute) – at least you have something you want to talk about with her. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a friendly chat with someone because you find them interesting. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be nice and compliment someone. I’m definitely not saying that women assume men are jerks.
As I mentioned, I continued to talk to this guy because I’m nice. But I knew full well that he was possibly just asking these questions to maintain conversation and not seem upset that I am already in a relationship. I did not shake the fact that his initial, clear intention was that he was interested in having a relationship with me.
What I am saying is that, as a woman, having a man – who is a stranger – tell me that he just ‘wants to be my boyfriend’ makes me feel uncomfortable, and is probably not the best way to start a conversation with someone you don’t even know.
Ugh, I hate it when guys do that, I honestly don’t understand what they think they’ll get/the impression they think they give from doing that. It does the complete opposite – just turns you off and makes you feel uncomfortable. I’ve had a guy do that to me whilst I was working, I declined multiple times and he wouldn’t leave me alone, kept saying things like, “Your boyfriends lucky…” “are you sure i cant have your number” “i can pick you up in my car after you finish work?” it’s just so creepy and a big NO NO NOOOO.
Wow…. really?! That is seriously the weirdest way I’ve heard a guy try and get a date with someone. I’m not sure whether to be creeped out or flattered. I like it when men are chivalrous, and I don’t mind flirting either. If I had been talking with someone for a bit and found him attractive and he gave me his number, that would be super flattering and maybe I’d take him up on a coffee date to chat to him more (in my dreams HAHAHA never happened yet lol)… But to just come up to someone straight away and say, “I wanted to be your boyfriend”. What the actual fuck? To me, it kind of reeks of male entitlement.
I was a mixture of creeped out and flattered (well, initially). I really, really, hate when guys do this because you are right, it does reek of male entitlement. Because I kept talking to the guy, he said a couple of things that I sort of considered offensive, like, ‘Oh you’re a web developer? How long have you been doing that for? You can’t have been doing it for long, right? Do you just sit there on Facebook all day and pretend to work?’ Clearly a stab at my possible age and a potential insult to how much I love my job. WTF.
That sort of behaviour is so wrong. Can you imagine a woman doing that to a guy? I highly doubt it would happen.
I had major issues when I was living opposite a building site and builders constantly made flirtatious remarks to me and wolf-whistled. No woman has ever married the man who wolf-whistles at her in the street.
I think you handled the situation well. I’d be so scared if someone started walking with me like that and probably start telling them to f-off!
I completely agree with you. I think most women would not ever be that upfront. And I bet if a woman actually did do that, she would cop a lot more crap than men do.
Those construction workers tend to be like that. Actually, you might find this short film funny because it portrays their general behaviour towards women quite accurately. I was walking in a busy street recently near my workplace and I noticed that a certain construction worker asked me every morning, ‘Heeey, how are you?’ Initially I thought he was just being nice until I got pretty damn creeped out by him saying it more than once.
I don’t understand where the logic of these people are coming from. The way the guy handled the situation is rude and wrong! At least when you say you’re meeting your boyfriend, the guy would know to stop the convo and say nothing more. As for straight up telling the person ~you~ want to be their boyfriend, nooooooo. ~You~ don’t even know their past. I can be a really really bad person behind my looks. Also, these people are just judging people by their looks. Personality matters too! Get to know them, uggggghhh.
I think the worse ones are those who gets your number and bugs you endlessly. Thankfully that’s what fake numbers are for :D. Or at least, a phone number that I registered but never check. Sometimes, I want to be nice but there are so many consequences behind being nice.
Yeah, Nick said to me ‘That guy just thought you were hot and wanted to bang you’. Probably. It’s just so obvious that men who do this obviously judge based on looks. I got the wrong idea straight away, and this guy asked what kind of music I liked, then proceeded to call me ‘a fake’ because I said I like indie rock yet I didn’t know that the band Metric were from Canada. Like WTF seriously. He probably couldn’t name another indie rock band to save his life, not to mention probably didn’t even know that ‘indie’ means ‘independent’. I was insulted because music is something I care greatly about and I didn’t even know this guy. #rant
I don’t think anyone has asked for my number (not that I remember) but I would totally just say no.
Gosh, you were way more polite than I would have been! Kudos to you for not blowing up at him! If I were taken, I’d have snapped at him, “Look. I’m taken, I’m not interested, so leave me alone!” And if I were single, I’d have said, “It’s really creepy that you’re saying you want to be with me without even knowing me, so back off! Your behaviour’s super stalkerish!” Well, I may not really say them, but I’d certainly think that way! Ugh. Seriously, the way some people approach finding a boyfriend or girlfriend just makes me want to punch them ~_~;
I thought these things in my head and even scoffed at the guy, but I really wish I had been less nice. I wish I had said something similar to, ‘You want to be my boyfriend and you don’t even know me? You must be desperate.’ I wish I had said that then. :( Haha.
Yeah, I’ve had my guys take my kindness for flirting, and they would call up the store asking me out…wha? And I remember one time my boss was in on it. I was so pissed. I was dating my ex at the time and I just couldn’t believe it.
The best way to find a boyfriend is to be friends with them first, and that’s been true of all my boyfriends, still what happened to you…I’m glad you had more patience than me, because I would have snapped, seriously. Guys can’t take the hint that when you say boyfriend, you’re taken and not every girl wants to cheat. I’m sorry you had to deal with that :( I know your frustrations, seriously. Remember Georgie, you are under no obligation to deal with creeps, no what. Women don’t owe men nothing. Seriously.
Sorry, I guess I’m what you call a Social Justice Warrior. :D
Regardless, this proves how sweet and wonderful you are. I think I wouldn’t have been so kind in your situation.
I wish I had told the guy to leave me alone. I think I just fear leaving a bad impression and getting the whole, ‘Wow what a bitch’ tirade, so I just decided to be polite (polite is the word, not necessarily ‘nice’ haha). Isn’t it stupid how if you talk to them you are ‘interested’ and if you tell them to please leave you alone you suddenly become a bitch? I still wish I had been more sarcastic and pointed out how desperate he sounded, considering he told a stranger he wanted to be her boyfriend. Yuck.
I can’t believe guys actually approach you like that – that’s so strange. I’m sure it would make anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no idea what I’d say if someone said that to me without getting to know me first. I’d probably just get really awkward and walk away.
Why can men think there is no problem with this. Like seriously. I’ve been catcalled twice, (that I know of, because I could have walked passed and not realized it.) Once a guy on a bike while I was waiting for the light to change to cross the street to university, stopped and called me beautiful; and tried to continue to talk. I just keep walking and then was called a bitch. My boyfriend was furious when he found out. The second time I had to run to the car and I was downtown to move it before I got a ticket. Chris was actually in the building renewing his passport so I had to move the car. Some old man (like 50 years old) walked passed me and then yelled something very inappropriate about my ass. I wanted to cry. Again Chris was furious, both times because he wished he was there to defend me. Because if you do something back as a woman, you just put yourself at risk to get into some worse issue. I had another guy at a register offer for me not to pay for something if I gave him my number. What an asshole. That one I was able to tell him off about. Cosmo did a video on it, I was watching it last week. If I were you I would have continued to walk and asked him to leave me alone. I would not have been as polite. I think I would have taken the ignoring route.
I had a guy call me beautiful once, he seemed genuine about it though. He pointed at me and said, ‘You’re beautiful!’ He kept smiling and nodding as he walked past, and then went on his way without even a wink or any sleazy behaviour. He was with some friends, too.
Situations like that old man shouting out to you can be really humiliating and upsetting. So many times I have had an older man stare at me in the face and not stop when I made eye contact and looked away, instead taking the time to look me up and down. It’s so disgusting. I had one old man do that and then grin and nod at me. I was more angry than anything else. And you’re right – the second a woman defends herself or talks back, she suddenly becomes ‘a bitch’.
It’s nice how our boyfriends make us feel safe and would be in our defence in times like these. :)
I also don’t like when boys suddenly talk to you and asks your contact number as if you two were close. I’ve experienced those a lot of times. Thankfully traditional men still exists in our country.
This happens a lot. I think men do it because at least a few women like it and respond. Personally, I feel threatened when some random dude comes to me like that so I’m “nice” or rather scared to give a super negative reaction, and since rejected guys are rarely strongly rejected…. it just reinforces their behavior and they think it’s okay. Like I’ll even smile while trying to escape and you continued small talk with the man who approached you. But reacting strongly can come with awful consequences too as women have been killed for rejecting men before. :(
That is the part I hate. If we get defensive and fight for our rights we are seen as being bitchy and mean, when they were the ones who were rude and came onto us. How is it our fault if we aren’t interested? Some of us do like a chat or even flirt a little, but it’s as if men believe they are entitled to be treated nicely just because some women like it and we should all be like them. Or something like that.
Oh gosh, I can relate to this. I had a guy come up to me who was very persistent. I’m talking persistent enough to follow me to my car! I was scared out of my mind because not only was he persistent he was very aggressive. Wouldn’t take no for an answer :/
I’m glad you’re OK <3
Wow, I would feel so uncomfortable with that as well. It was probably annoying for the fact that you said you had a boyfriend as well and that didn’t deter him. :/
There are also two categories for men who do this … catcalling and just being straightforward. Living in New York everyone is used to catcalling but recently I’ve had several guys approach me asking if I’m single or to take me clubbing. I had a conversation with them before wishing them a good day and leaving. Unfortunately I know a handful of women who probably WOULD agree to being picked up like such. However there are also men who subtly do stuff like this but then refuse to admit it, and push the blame on the woman by saying they are the type of woman who think every guy is out to get them. That’s why I talked to those guys like you did to this guy, and I recommend it. Have a conversation but make it very casual and short so that you don’t get blamed in return for something you didn’t do.