Spirit Got Lost

What I’m about to detail is… a little controversial, I guess. 😰 A little opinionated, perhaps. But still, very much along the lines of spiritual abuse.

For quite some time now, I feel that I am not the same Catholic girl I was when I was much younger. I feel like I have drifted from God, and I don’t see his help in me the way I see his help in others. I feel like I don’t have the same kind of faith. To me, that’s okay. People disaffiliate from religions often, for their own reasons. People maybe stop having belief in a deity and to me that is completely fine.

I’ve still attended church regularly for many years, and often, though there are a few different priests at my church, I find some of their words really worth noting. Some of the things they say are true, and I agree with them.

Tonight was an exception. I quote from Wikipedia’s definition of spiritual abuse, one example: “any act by deeds or words that demean, humiliate or shame the natural worth and dignity of a person as a human being”.

That is what I feel took place today. A different priest was giving the mass, and I was so infuriated and hurt by his words that it made me want to storm up to the altar and throw the candles to the floor. My eyes were already filling up with tears and I struggled to hide my face behind my curtain of hair.

He was passionate about what he was saying. He was telling us how insignificant we were, and that we were not even important. He elaborated on that point, saying that it didn’t matter who we were. He said that we were simply insignificant. Even if we were the “richest person in the town” – basically everything we did, is nothing.

I just found that insulting. His tone of voice was firm, and he spoke so loudly that even the loud cries of the baby a few metres away could barely be heard from where I was sitting. What he was saying really angered me. It also hurt.

It was also degrading the way he called us “nothings” in making his point, yet referred to us as “my dear people” afterwards. I was actually so hurt. He said that we didn’t come to church because we are holy, but we go because we admit we are pretty much worthless, and we go to learn the value of life. I felt like I was being yelled at and told off.

Something along those lines. Now as far as I know – and I’m no religious leader – but that is not the way you preach. As I said, it hurt me very much, and I actually started crying. In an effort to hide my tears, my jumper sleeves got wet.

I’ve just had a bad week overall, and this (if you see Sunday as the end of the week) is not a good way to end it. I don’t know if you can tell when someone is stressed, but I feel like it now.

Today I went to the markets, and bought four cheap rings. They ranged from just $1 to $2. I’ve been taking a liking to rings lately. I used to wear a lot of bracelets, but I stopped wearing them because they eventually began to feel heavy and get annoying. Rings are just as nice. 🙂

The rain didn’t really help my mood today; it was pouring all day. On the bright side, a plant in our garden just flowered, and I think it only flowers once a season. I’m not sure; hopefully it’s still up tomorrow morning so can take a photo of it. I forgot what it was called. /um

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