As I sit here in the Peninsula Park Rose Garden in Portland, with no internet due to running my mobile data dry and refusing to pay for data for the remaining 24 hours I have left in this city, I wonder what my priorities are. I spent five minutes trying to pop a pimple on my nose when I sat on these red brick steps. It’s generally not recommended to be popping pimples, but I was convinced it was at the point where I could clear it easily. Multiple thoughts entered my mind: am I going to scar my nose by doing this? Do I have a pin to pick and release the pimple? No, I don’t. How long has it been there?

How long have I been sitting here? Not long. For all the choices I could have made, like going to a cafe with my laptop and using free wifi (or paid for with a drink—common in the States but extremely rare back at home in Australia), continuing to walk and wander the neighbourhoods in NE Portland, or lazing at my Airbnb with my laptop, I chose to venture out and walk to this rose garden after putting my phone on Aeroplane Mode.

A couple of days ago the last XOXO festival ended. This independent experimental festival, attended by creatives living and working online, changed my life when I first attended in 2018. I was inspired to create change and to continue putting my whole self out into the world, mostly in a digital space. After 2019’s event and now after 2024’s event, I feel the same.

Perhaps I’ll find the right energy and drive to recap my XOXO experience properly, but I just read over my XOXO 2019 blog post and was baffled at how much I’d forgotten. The last XOXO was in 2019 but it weirdly seemed like it was last year, but we’re all half a decade older. I completely forget small details like the fact that I had a festival-only pass, and even bigger details like singing Shania Twain at karaoke and actually having to wait two hours until my name was called out.

I was also reminded of this detail that I’d forgotten:

I undeniably teared up when Andy & Andy made their closing remarks.

Without a shadow of a doubt, that happened this time, too.

We were XOXO.

For me, XOXO meant a lot of things. Most notably, XOXO inspired the energy behind my contribution to our company’s Devcamp (2019 recap; 2020 recap; 2023 recap; we had one for 2024 but I didn’t write a post), behind the codebar event I used to co-organise, and even my ethos behind the podcast I share so many things on. Yeah, Devcamp is an event for what is more or less a very corporate company now, but I will always fight for creating spaces where people feel welcome and at ease to be themselves. XOXO was a place where I felt like I belonged, no matter what I did or what point I was at in my life. It was a place where I could (can?) do whatever the hell I want, and receive the support of so many people who just want me to succeed. But not succeed by their definitions. Succeed by however I choose to define success.

I say XOXO is a place, but it’s not just that. It’s a feeling. In some ways, it’s almost a way of life.

Over the past couple of years I’ve wanted my life to be less about my day job and more about, well, my life. Who am I outside of my job? In the XOXO community of people, whom I feel are so much more aspirational and cooler than me, I realise that my feelings just boil down to the kind of passion projects I have. This blog, my tiny Toast & Roast podcast, and my 2020 publication “the off switch is broken” are the digital pieces I have online, with this blog growing slowly with me as I grow as a person. I have also always fought for the writing I publish, that is very in line with the indie web, and it takes every ounce of energy in me not to turn the fuck around and walk away from anyone who asks why I don’t monetise my blog or “create more content”.

But I want more than just the things I’m already working on. I am hungry. I have the desire to create beyond these things and beyond publishing naff things on my blog in a professional context—though, had you asked me just a couple of weeks before I dashed on this solo U.S. trip, I might have said that was one of my priorities. I started writing more blog posts about the things I’d learned in my day job, because some of it was truly fascinating to me, but also because I feared I’d forget some of that stuff.

Just a couple of months ago I bought several Paint by Numbers kits because they helped calm my ADHD symptoms and give me something to work towards. Seeing the tangible stickers, pins, zines, board games, graphic novels, and other pieces of art by XOXO folks makes me want to do something in that realm. In a world where big tech is ever prevailing, and billionaires want nothing but our data to grow their platforms and make more money, I remember why having my own space on the web is important to me.

One of my priorities may well be to pop this pimple on my nose. At the same time, it is also to pack my bag by the time I have to travel to the airport tomorrow. When I get back home to Sydney, what will my priorities be then? I know for sure that I want to head back to the gym. I know that I have to work to pay the bills. I should water my plants, and do my laundry. I have library books to read before they’re due. On the surface, perhaps some things won’t really change. But I have newfound creative energy and I want to use it.

It is time to make the friendship bracelets I want to wear. To make the messy zines about the weird things that run through my mind. To write words about all the things that matter to me. To dream up the things that I want to do. Starting with this blog post written on a summer afternoon, I have the energy to create things with the most glorious imperfection I can muster.