Love and Other Bruises
Just today, I was talking to James about how I find it so hard to believe that I took to self-harm in the past. It was in those dark days. I still have problems now with my family. I just go and find someone to talk to or rant to – someone who will listen. When I was about 15… 16… those were my years of self-harm. I stopped for a while, until some things blew up with a friend and I started doing it again.
I’m sick of what’s going on at home. I can’t just run away or move out – it’s not that simple. It will, as Tiffany put it, permanently destroy the relationship between my parents and I. I know there’s not much of a relationship now. But why do I have to try something that I know is not going to work? I know life is about taking risks sometimes, but when you know only too great the outcome – why take that risk? I’ve even tried talking and explaining how I feel – I’m telling you, I got shot down, only got yelled at again.
I used to be embarrassed to say that I didn’t have many friends. I’m not anymore. I don’t have many friends and I’d rather have a few close friends than a million and none of which I’m close to.
These days, self-harm rarely passes my mind. But having recovered, I am still a sensitive person. I find it offensive when someone makes references towards someone’s emotions by labelling them an “emo”, for instance. The same way I don’t like people to use the word “gay” when they could easily use the word “lame” – because “gay” can offend homosexuals.
I suppose I don’t need to say it, but I’ll say it anyway: life at home hasn’t been too great.
I’m sick and tired of being told what to do. Yes, I’m nineteen, an adult. Yes, I should be able to do what I want. Yes, my mother is strict. Yes, I’ve spent two months in my house, I’m not allowed to go out because I’m being “punished” for flamin’ nothing.
Yes, I’m tired of being called “stupid”. Yes, I’m tired of doing chores all day, every day. Yes, I want to do my own thing. 😞 It’s getting to the point where I want to wake up in the middle of the night to do online duties because all that ever happens during the day is that I get told off to do chores. Every single time I sit in my seat. Heck, I know people don’t expect me to return comments, but I feel bad if I don’t. It’s terrible when I go to sleep thinking I have ten comments left, and wake up to nearly 30. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much, but I honestly want to say this: You try it.
It’s not fair. I feel like my mother only gets angry at me, or when she isn’t in a great mood, she ends up going off at me. 😢
At the same time… I’m used to it. I know and can feel when it’s coming. It just sucks when it hits. But what can I do…
Thanks for hearing me ramble. I’ll tell you what I find in a good friend? A good listener. Someone who can sympathise, hold my hand or give me a hug. That’s what makes me feel better. Just someone who can listen and provide comfort. ♥️