Love and Other Bruises
Just today, I was talking to James about how I find it so hard to believe that I took to self-harm in the past. It was in those dark days. I still have problems now with my family. I just go and find someone to talk to or rant to – someone who will listen. When I was about 15… 16… those were my years of self-harm. I stopped for a while, until some things blew up with a friend and I started doing it again.
I’m sick of what’s going on at home. I can’t just run away or move out – it’s not that simple. It will, as Tiffany put it, permanently destroy the relationship between my parents and I. I know there’s not much of a relationship now. But why do I have to try something that I know is not going to work? I know life is about taking risks sometimes, but when you know only too great the outcome – why take that risk? I’ve even tried talking and explaining how I feel – I’m telling you, I got shot down, only got yelled at again.
I used to be embarrassed to say that I didn’t have many friends. I’m not anymore. I don’t have many friends and I’d rather have a few close friends than a million and none of which I’m close to.
These days, self-harm rarely passes my mind. But having recovered, I am still a sensitive person. I find it offensive when someone makes references towards someone’s emotions by labelling them an “emo”, for instance. The same way I don’t like people to use the word “gay” when they could easily use the word “lame” – because “gay” can offend homosexuals.
I suppose I don’t need to say it, but I’ll say it anyway: life at home hasn’t been too great.
I’m sick and tired of being told what to do. Yes, I’m nineteen, an adult. Yes, I should be able to do what I want. Yes, my mother is strict. Yes, I’ve spent two months in my house, I’m not allowed to go out because I’m being “punished” for flamin’ nothing.
Yes, I’m tired of being called “stupid”. Yes, I’m tired of doing chores all day, every day. Yes, I want to do my own thing. :( It’s getting to the point where I want to wake up in the middle of the night to do online duties because all that ever happens during the day is that I get told off to do chores. Every single time I sit in my seat. Heck, I know people don’t expect me to return comments, but I feel bad if I don’t. It’s terrible when I go to sleep thinking I have ten comments left, and wake up to nearly 30. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much, but I honestly want to say this: You try it.
It’s not fair. I feel like my mother only gets angry at me, or when she isn’t in a great mood, she ends up going off at me. 😢
At the same time… I’m used to it. I know and can feel when it’s coming. It just sucks when it hits. But what can I do…
Thanks for hearing me ramble. I’ll tell you what I find in a good friend? A good listener. Someone who can sympathise, hold my hand or give me a hug. That’s what makes me feel better. Just someone who can listen and provide comfort. ♥️
LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE! ♥
Sorry to hear things at hope still suck, but I’m really glad you’re not hurting yourself anymore. And if that ‘friend’ is who I think it is, he was so not worth it. Let’s learn witchcraft and curse him for his part in your cutting! /angry
Yeah, you’re right. If you move out because you’re angry or you do it on a whim, it won’t fix anything. It’ll just make it worse and then you’re sort of on your own. I guess you just have to stick in there :( Which sucks, but hey, you can’t choose your family. It could be worse.
Having one or a few close friends is DEFINITELY better than having a million people who smile at you and talk to you but when you need a friend most, they don’t give a damn. That just pisses me off /angry Those people aren’t true friends, they’re more like acquaintances. Screw them!
Haha, yeah I guess using “gay” and “emo” could be offensive. I’ve tried to not use them as descriptive phrases! Although I think people who would normally be classified as “emo” have sort of embraced the term and kind of…turned it around? What’s that phrase? “Defused” the term. It’s like: “Yeah, I’m emo. Deal with it! I am. Hmph!”
Whenever I think ’emo’ I usually just associate it with a state of mind now. eg. “I feel emo”…
Your mother is TOO strict. Being at home for 2 months for me…would be torture. I would get SO lonely :( *hugs* It’s okay, next week you can have one week of reprieve :D YAY. And we’ll see each other ^^
I think you HAVE to be a good listener to be a good friend. I read somewhere that if you talk a lot and don’t listen, you’ll never be a good friend cos you always care about yourself more than your friend and hence think your life is more interesting/important. That’s kind of true come to think of it. =/
I hope you feel a little better tomorrow, but don’t worry if you don’t. Sebby, Me and James will cheer you up when we see you next weekk /eee
Whoa…if it takes that long on you iphone can you imagine how long it’d take to send on dial up? FOREVER! That’s how long D:
OMG, THE PAPERCLIP CHAIN :D Hahaha brings back memories. Didn’t we try to SKIP with that chain?
The digital revolution is a good thing sometimes. :P Saves lots of space, that’s for sure. But confuses the hell out of me as in “how the hell do I get this stupid thing to work?! /angry ”
I LOVE THAT GEM CARD! LOOOOVE! ♥
YES! Omg, we gotta burn all our year 7 and highschool crap one day. They are taking up much needed space D:
Haha, yeah my family is HUGE… My dad alone has 9 other siblings @_@ But yeah, my second cousins will be loved ^^
Omg, if Tony Abbott is Prime Minister, I will stab myself with a pencil. I can’t STAND Tony Abbott. He just seems like a CREEP. And HE THINKS WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN!! /angry WAIT UNTIL ONE WOMAN GETS A KNIFE FROM THE KITCHEN WHERE SHE APPARENTLY BELONGS AND STABS HIM! HA!
HAHAHAH! That Jamie Cullum song sounds hilarious :P Imagine being so tall that you have to SIT to kiss your significant other D: LOL.
To be honest Gillard isn’t much better but in comparison to Abbott… NO CONTEST!!!
Tony Abbott… oh well according to him women belong in the kitchen which is still better than him who doesn’t belong anywhere.
Well self-harm isn’t exactly a solution. Even when your behaviour is self-destructive/depressive exacting an equal amount of physical pain on yourself rarely makes you feel better simply because physical wounds take a lengthy time to heal. For mine, emotional tension is easier to deal with when you have someone to depend on as you find it the perception of the experience differs and the simple act of telling someone prevents the negative emotions from festering.
I suppose the burden of maintaining a website and the committed is great especially which seems so meticulously written and organised. Agreeably this is diligent not everyone is so committed to doing this on a regular basis.
As for your parents, aside from the Aesopical reference I seem to recall a quote which states that “good advice is given by those too old to show a bad example”. Perhaps it at least shows the good intentions they have even though the method of delivery seems to be overt disdain of your intelligence and slothly ways. Also serves as an indicator of how much hope they actually place for you. When they seem to get angrier at you, this means that as the older sibling (assuming you have siblings) is expected to be more reliable. (Precisely the generalisation my parents make, elder – reliable, younger – spoilt).
It seems that by your definition of a good friend I lack the qualities available to be one by general consensus and your personal standards. XD I’m not sure someone who is generally cold (in personality), has cold clammy hands, a bony frame is someone you’ll want to hold hands/hug. /hehe
Keep at it, enough people are self-destructive and actively need help in all aspects of life. Remember how you were committed to being a “nicer” person, that includes being nice to yourself. (Y)
Ahaha, I don’t mind about the bony frame, one who is capable of giving a hug and wouldn’t mind to do so when I’m feeling down – at least shows some degree of care? :P
I’ve stopped self-harm, which I do see as a good thing as it is something I look back on as being terrible. It frightens me a little to think that I had actually been in that kind of position. I’m glad now. :)
My home life used to be really bad, too. I was finally able to move out at 18 to go into a college dorm and escape it a bit. Before that though, around 16-17, I did the same thing you did – self harm. Mine was minor cutting.. I did it where a tshirt could cover it up in my arm. A few times since then I have reverted back but since I have been with Final, I don’t find a reason to want to do it anymore. However, I have a dark sense of humor, when it comes to anything really.. and I can joke about it with Final. He did something similar, but with pills, and we make fun of eachother for it but that’s just how we deal, we’re all different.
All I can say is that you need to hang in there and be strong. You wont be there forever. I’ll keep you in my prayers, dear. /hugs tight
By the time I finished reading this, I had tears in my eyes. 😢 I wish I could run across the ocean and come give you the biggest hug ever. Too bad you don’t have an smiley for that.
There isn’t much I can say about it, because you just needed to let out your emotions. We all need too, and I don’t think we will get mad if you happen to miss a comment.
I don’t know about your mom, but she may be going through something, and it may be hard. I know my mom gets moody, to the point where I can’t stand her (she tells me its me that’s moody) but never that bad where all I hear is her bickering. I hope it gets better.
It may seem hopeless Georgina, but sometimes you have to hit the bottom for you to get back to the top, (or the middle). Even if the lowest part feels like you can’t handle it, you will be able too. And in the end you will become a much stronger person. ♥
Thanks for understanding my fear. haha I used to be scared of the dark too. I had a mini mouse night light! /hehe I tried to stop using it by having my drape open a bit during the summer so some light can get in. It really helped me get out of the habit. It depends where I am though in the dark. If I’m in a unknown place, I would obviously freak out!
The countries I referred to that can’t vote if you a girl would be third world countries that have corrupt government. Have fun studying up. :P
What a wonderful coincidence. My best friend recently cut her hand because of problems at home and her love life. I scolded her so much. I mean, I believe self-harm and all those things are.. just stupid, sorry. I don’t know, I feel creepy talking about it and I’m happy you’re past all those things now. Experience teaches us after all. And you needn’t be sad about your life, you should feel blessed that you’re having a blog to express all your sad thoughts! So cheer up lovely :)
Definitely, you’re 19 and you are an adult already. I guess your mom’s a bit too strict – just like my mom. My mom doesn’t express it openly, but at the end it’s the same thing – she doesn’t like me hanging out with guys especially those who she thinks has the capability of ‘raping’ me. Like duh, I know they aren’t going to! Parents. -_-
I don’t have a lot of friends like other people in my school; I just have a bunch of people with whom I constantly share my thoughts and opinions and talk and gossip. Others are my schoolmates and the like. Hmm, so join the club! Trust me, life’s much simpler with few people who know you better rather than many people who don’t know you at all.
‘I got used to public transit! I think I went from hating it to loving it! ‘
omggg LOVING IT? NOOOOO. i cannot stand it :( maybe people around here just piss me off easier ahaha.
i used to think my parents were hella strict. including my grandma who pretty much been taking care of me since the day i was born. i felt really really trapped inside and although i still do right now… i think i’ve learned to accept and build more of a stronger relationship with them. my dad would always get mad from dumb things but now we joke around wayyy more often than we used to.
yeahh i feel bad for not returning comments either :( its hard to catch up! i mean, youre doing a greattttt job at returning comments. way better than i do ahaha.
blogging is a great way of ranting (:
Hello… Guten Tag, bonjour, salut, aloha, hola~
In short – hi :D
Well, it is weird to look back on things. I never thought I’d wear skirts, let alone dresses, but hear I am owning three skirts and one dress. Though that’s not quite the same as your issue.
As you know I face the same issue you once did but mine isn’t as severe, I believe. In fact I have no idea why I do it @_@
Tiffany is right, moving out wouldn’t solve a thing but would probably just make things worse :( I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this as, like you said, no one deserves it, especially you because you’ve always been a good daughter. Or at least it seems that way to me; you never sneak out or disobey your parents despite their strict rules.
Two months of not going out is very strict though. Make the most of it when you are out there and I hope you have a fabulous time whilst you’re at it. ♥
I find it maddening when your parents don’t listen when you’re trying to explain your feelings. They just tell you to not answer back. :@
I was always a bit awkward with friends but I’d rather say “I have six great friends whom I could trust with my life” than “I have three hundred and ninety people who I barely know, but they’re cool”.
You have James and Lilian and Ryan and Sebby, they sound like amazing people. I know the first two are definitely very important to you.
The term emo, to me, is an incredibly lame one. Because if it stands for “emotionally unstable”, surely there are thousands of people who are mentally unstable, whether severely or not. To tag along the stereotype of kids with big fringes, etc. is just insulting.
I really dislike people using the term ‘gay’ to describe things. What does ‘gay’ mean anyway? It’s like I don’t like people saying things are spastic because as you know my brother has a slight disability and when he is picked on that is what he is referred to.
At nineteen you should definitely have more leeway then you have although I guess it’s alright for your mother to intervene if you were going too far, e.g. staying out very late, getting drunk constantly, etc. But as far as I know you don’t drink and although you stay up late you don’t stay out late.
As I mentioned… you’re a very good daughter. *nods*
How are you stupid? D: And as for the chores, everyone needs a break every now and then.
I can just imagine the feeling of going to bed with ten comments, to wake up to thirty. :( I understand that your comments are important to you but really, if there’s any day that you just don’t feel up to it, skip mine. I know you know that already but I just thought I’d remind you. (Y)
*HUGS* The theme tune of Friends is ringing in my head at the moment… “I’ll be there for youuuuu”.
As I said on MSN… any time you need it, rant to me, at me, talk to me if you want to talk. An offline MSN message, an email, Twitter DMs, anything. I really hope things pick up for you :(
I’m going to return your comment in brief because I don’t want to give you extra work but writing a too-long comment… (I think I’ve failed already to be honest but).
Acronyms! Yay, I spelt it right. :D I remember the days when you’d always have to correct me. :X
Yeah… I miss my friends already and I haven’t seen them for just two weeks. They’ve all gone away on nice holidays for 2 weeks and will be back this weekend, all five. It’s been so boring without them. I’m probably seeing two, definitely one at a sleepover and I’m going to see Toy Story 3 with two others. :3
I must try gelato some day. In fact, I will. /argh
Ah, true. My notes are always a terrible mess, no matter how hard I try to make them neat. :( My friend Bee has amazingly neat presentation and her writing is so neat it could be a font. In her maths books she colour coded everything and made one page one colour, one page another colour, and so on with five colours and she used the same colours in order and it looked so nice.
Hehe yay :D I don’t think I’ll get quite as involved in the fanlisting stuff as you but we’ll see. I’ll have at least two fanlistings, anyway. :3
Thank you! ♥
My dad is always loud… :X
Yes. Especially with something like anorexia. There is more depth to it than people realise. And it really does affect the sufferer and their family and friends.
Love you :D <3
Take care! xx
Omg, Georgina! I feel for you. I used to do the self harm thing too. And I’m glad you don’t do it anymore. :)
Isn’t there a friends house that you can stay at for awhile? It sounds like your parents, your mom in particular, are very stressed and are taking it out on you. Which isn’t fair and I don’t think they should be yellling at you when you’re telling them how you feel about them treating you.
Does your brother get any of this yelling at him?
Anyway, I really do hope things work out you. :)
I’m glad I don’t do it anymore either, it definitely feels good, and I feel better inside.
I know that if I went off to my friend’s house, even for one night, my mum would worry and ask and interrogate me about it. I can spend a whole day out, just say I’ve got things to do, but my mum would worry if I was staying the night elsewhere from home. I don’t want her asking me about it either. :P
My brother gets yelled at too, but to be honest, I feel like I get more of the blame and scolded more, and he is often ruder and more obnoxious. I understand that he’s a guy but sometimes I think it could be fairer at home.
Thank you, though, I hope things get better too ♥
*Hugs* Life is unfair. I agree with you on that. Your mom and my dad seem like the perfect match. They’re both strict, but seriously maybe your mom needs to go on some medications or something if she’s going to be flaming you? But ya know a lot of people out there have it harder or worser than you. I’m not trying to pull you down or anything, I’m just saying.
I know what it’s like not wanting to do anything and only being told what to do. My grandmother was like that before she died. She was constantly telling me to go get her this, get her that, and I would reply sometimes “YES, mom”. And sometimes I’d get in trouble for saying it. My dad always accused us as acting like little babies. And when I told my grandmother that she blew up in my face and said I know you act like a baby. I was like WTFH? So I can totally relate to your sorrow and anguish.
Never fear though, you have me and Tiffany and Gillian and everyone else to talk too especially Lillian and your bf James. I’m sorry you couldn’t go out for two months, I know how that feels. My friend Becky told me that I should start dating and go on dating sites. (I have in the past but none of them lead up to anything) And I told her that, and she’s like you’re how old? I told 27 but it’s my dad’s house, so his house, his rules. She finally got the hint. But yeah, it sucks.
I hope you feel better Georgie!! I really wish I was in Australia with you right now, so you could call me up and cry to me. Sorry I was born half way across the world.
Oh, babe. :O I am so sorry! It really must suck. My housekeeper was recently in an accident, so she hasn’t come in about twenty days. I have been sweeping the floor and washing the dishes since then. I hate it. /angry But you must hate it even more.
A relationship between a parent and a child is always difficult. Always. Maybe parents don’t realize how much their every word and decision affects their child.
On last Sunday, after I’d signed the book’s signing agreement and received my first check, while my mom was hugging me, my dad started shouting at me for interrupting him again and again while he was talking to the publisher.
I began crying in the back of the car, and an hour later, when I still hadn’t said anything, he asked me nonplussed, “Are you upset because of what I said to you?”
To which I of course replied, “No.” An answer he readily accepted.
Ah. I love cliches. There is absolutely no substitute for them. xD
If you reply to this comment immediately, you must know that while I was editing, a server update started. That was 48 hours ago. I’d forgotten to close a tag and now my website is a mess. Just thought you should know. :)
A friend in need is a friend indeed. My BFF is awesome. I love her. She is perfect, A great listener when I have to rant, and a great talker as well, when I don’t have to. We have been best friends since we were ten.
Being blessed by a good friend is the best thing of all. And I’d prefer her over a thousand close “Acquaintances.”
Hey Shriya, I know you have problems with your site right now so I’m just going to reply to your comment here. :) I hope you get all those issues fixed. Site issues are always a real bugger!
I do hate it – I hate chores a lot! :( Parents can be really strict and it’s mostly my mum, but I do love her. Relationships in the family can be hard to work out.
I’d definitely prefer my best friend over just “acquaintances” too. Some people are just special like that. :D
I know that I don’t get treated the way you do…but I’m doing the best I can to understand and imagine how you feel.
The thing is that you’re talking to people about it. That’s great…it truly is. I’ve never self-harmed myself…though, the thoughts have crossed my mind…I’ve come to the same conclusion each time: It won’t help anything.
So, I won’t ever EVER do it.
I know that my friends who’ve done that to themselves didn’t talk about how they felt which led to that…at least, they don’t do it anymore and I’m glad you don’t either.
Okay, well, enough about me.
If you need another person to talk to, I’m here for you.
Hm you know that is what my life was like. I never was able to go out and do things. I always had to turn my friends down without even bothering to ask my parents if I can go out with my friends because I already knew the answer. I had curfews if I did go out which was getting home before the sun setted (worse than Cinderella!) I always had something in the house to do, they would make me clean do this do that and if I wasn’t done right away you’d get called lazy – and even if it was done you’d still get called lazy and told that you don’t do anything in the house… You feel so underpreciated and stuck in a realm that you just can’t get out. I know exactly how you feel. Even now as I have mentioned before, I am 19 as well and I still do not have the benefit of going out with friends whenever I want to. I would have to hide or sneak around during the day and time when my dad would get home from work. I am not allowed to date but I do it behind my dad’s and mom’s back.. xD I realized that, I am not getting any younger and I have to start living for myself and no one else. So even if it hurts thier feelings that you are going out, still do it because you have your own life to live and should not be robbed of it. Just don’t wild out or anything just start subtly xD
I hope that gave you a little sense of hope or you know relief that someone totally understands you. My parents are really strict as well, well my dad is more than my mom. He’s really old fashioned and coming from a third world country (Trinidad) he is just really intimidating and scary xD So .. ya.. I sometimes just try to hint at him I am not getting any younger.. and I think he is getting the idea…
Take care xx
Self harm is never a soulution to anything. That. Is. All.
Yeah, and like you said there is nothing wrong with having a few friends. Nothing wrong at all. I only have about five friends and thats all I need. My fave five :p Nice site btw.
I honestly can’t say that I know what you’ve been through but I can say that I’ve gone through similar things. There were times when I was younger that I wanted to just disappear or just run away because of family issues and also friends.
But right now, I have awesome friends and enjoy life (most of the times) even though so much has happened to me already just in the past year.
I’m very glad that you’ve stopped hurting yourself. And I hope that things will work out with your mom in the end. I’ve basically been stuck in the house also since summer started 2 months ago :/ no freedom to do anything either. I feel ya on that!
I hope I can be a friend to you : ) even though this is my first comment O_O I’m not a creeper!!!
Thank you Ariel, it means a lot! :) I’m really glad I never look to cutting myself anymore, because it feels like a huge step out of a dark past. I know that in the past I never looked to friends for support or just to talk to or have a shoulder to cry on, but I do now.
I also find that it helps to blog about it and let it out. I know you’re not a creeper! It really makes me smile when people can cheer me up just by leaving a comment on my blog. :)
It’s horrible that you’ve had to hurt yourself in the past. :( I’m really glad those days are over for you. I really can’t imagine how a person must be feeling that they harm themselves and think of suicide and all those things.
I’m really sorry about how things have been at home. I just hope that they become better somehow or the other. You’re going out with your friends soon, right? That sure will cheer you up. :) You’re right, if you run away from home now, it will make things worse and you’ll regret it later on. But it really sucks a lot that your parent’s don’t even want to listen to what you have to say. :(
I agree; I would also rather have a few close friends than many people who I’m not not close to.
I don’t like labeling people as “emo” or “gay”. Like you said, it might be offensive to people, especially the “gay” thing can be hurtful for homosexuals.
You’re nineteen. Really, your parents should give you a break. You should be allowed to live your life the way you want. ALWAYS behaving like that is, really…:( /angry
That’s also what I think of as a perfect friend. Someone to listen to me and really care. It makes me really happy to know that someone truly cares about me. You can always talk to me if you want on MSN or something. :)
Yup. I feel uncomfortable every time I go out somewhere. :/ I hope I do. It’s really bad and hurts people a lot. It’d be better if people encouraged them to lose/gain weight rather than criticize them about it.
Yeah. My friends tease me but I don’t really mind that. They are friends, after all. But when someone I barely know says something about my weight, it really makes me feel bad. I agree, sometimes you try to say something but that later turns out to be offensive.
It did. :) Some of my friends left the school but most of them are still there, thankfully. A lot of them had been planning to transfer to other schools. Oh. Only about ten days left then. :) I hope your mom doesn’t find out. You deserve a break.
Yeah. If it doesn’t work she might go and study in Malaysia. It would be easier for her isnce my other sister is already studying there.
Maybe. I think he still looks for her, though. He had stopped following my sister in the last semester, but this time they got the same classes. So he got a chance to start abusing her like that once again.
That must have been so awesome for her. I wish Bangladesh played.
Awww. I’ll leave this short.
Thanks for the amazing comment, even when you felt as though you couldn’t be bothered! I love people like you, so determined.
I had to move out of my mothers house because life there was too hard. I found that once I wasn’t so close to her, she didn’t bug me as much and we had a better relationship. But like you said, it’s a risk that you have to decide wether to take or not as it might not work out the same.
Thanks for the suggestions, I’m going to add website and movie reviews. :)
And thankyou for the career advice! ♥
I hope things get better for you! /mwah
Aha I like jeans but I like to wear skirts and shorts with tights when it’s cold too. I like some variation and for the most part tights can jazz up an outfit. I have lots of coloured pairs – purple, grey, teal, brown, black, beige and navy.
I wear converse a lot but I want to try more boot-like style of shoes. I was designing my own converses on Converse.com after deciding I wanted some new ones for my birthday, and found some ones that are higher than hi-tops but I think are just below your knee. I found a pattern that was black with white skulls on and added blue laces. I was pleased with my efforts and thus are demanding them for my birthday. /ehe
If you did try to move out things would probably end up for the worse because you’d be more alone then ever then. :(
You deserve some bloody fun, we all do. (Yay for the British swearing, whee).
It’s alright! I’d be a lame friend if I wasn’t there for you, even if you are on the other side of the world :X
Your mum should still have more consideration for your feelings and how you feel about it. Because she is being harsh.
I haven’t known Bee, Sally or Grace for that long, not even a year yet (well I knew Sally and Grace before that but not very well) and we’re close. I’ve known Em for maybe two years now. It’s so easy to become close to people and find good friends like that.
Yeah, the term ’emo’ is pretty crap because the meaning changes so much.
Lame? WTF. I find that really weird… using the term ‘gay’ to mean lame. Bah.
I guess your mum doesn’t realise how lucky she is that you don’t cause as much havoc as some kids do. She should realise that soon though. :(
It makes sense you feel trapped. Because you do deserve more rights. It’s not like you’re an irresponsible person and you’re certainly not stupid enough to do anything stupid. Therefore that makes you clever. :D
Aw same, it’s so easy to return yours because it’s easier to talk to you than to other people I don’t know so well. /bounce
Jellyfish hugs might hurt a bit though, but they are so cool. And no problem!
I struggle to pronounce things too. xD I remember I used to spell ‘acronyms’ and anacronyms and other seriously weird spellings. /huh
You can go out soon! You sound like you have a very busy week planned so as I said earlier, enjoy it. ♥
Love you more than rainbows <3
Take care! xx
Self-harm is never good, and I would say I don’t understand why people result to self-harm, but then again, I did the same, back when I had a depression disorder.
Oh em gee, I feel the same way about my mom, |; . Whenever she’s pissed at my baby brother, my 9 year old bro, or anything at all, she’d go off on everyone, but mostly me, because I’m the oldest and I’m supposed to be more responsibility and know better. It’s really not fair, because just because they’re younger, it doesn’t mean she can just think they don’t know better, >.<.
Whoa, it's winter there! That's cool, xD. And I've taken swimming classes since I was 8, because I didn't even know how to swim AT ALL until I was 8. And I sucked big time too, =_=’. I just quit swimming classes last year and joined the YMCA swim team, but compared to everyone else on the team who’s been on it for months and months and months, I still sucked big time. It was an embarrassment. So now that my pool actually “works”, and my mom is sure that she’ll be able to “rescue me” if something happens to me while I’m swimming, I just swim at home. Mostly because it’s fun and I love it, but also because I want to get skinnier . . . xD. I heard swimming can help you get skinnier, so yeah, (x.
Why hadn’t she let you out? o: . Surely she understood that you couldn’t be trapped inside your house 24/7, right? I’d feel so suffocated if that happened to me, “/. Not that I don’t like being at home, ’cause it’s actually really, really relaxing half the time, but being indoors all the time . . . Man, that would suck, >.<. With just a little over a month left of summer vacation, I plan on making the best of it, while not going too far and getting my parents super pissed off because I'm spending too much time with my friends, and not with them.
Just two years ago, I was still wearing super girly clothes from stores like Limited Too and Justice's. Girly T-shirts and short little skirts. It was "in" at the time, lmao. But then a year later, I started getting tired of that, and my cousin introduced me to Hollister and Abercrombie, and I began shopping there. I then heard about Tilly's and PacSun, but I found myself drawn to Hot Topic the most, and for a few months, a lot of my friends thought I was becoming scene, or Goth, or emo, 0.o. Partly because of the way I dressed, and partly because of my depressed personality. No one realized I had depression disorder, or however you say. Ah, those were the days, haha, :p. And now I'm just back to my normal self. Not as much black clothes, but NOOO girly clothes, ;D.
Whoa, I can't believe you still have the card your very FIRST boyfriend gave you for Valentine's Day, 0.0. That must be so long ago. If I were you, I would've already lost it by now, =_=. I lose things so easily, Dx. But now I want to keep a little box, or something and store all of my most cherished possessions in it, such as cards and little gifts from my loved ones, <3. I'm considering adding a little bookshelf or something — Not sure exactly what it's called — to my room, and instead of all of those things being stored in a box, I can rearrange them on the shelves, ^_^.
I'm sorry to hear that your ex hurt you a lot, :(. I wonder if guys these days ever, ever realize how much they've hurt a girl. Some girls try to stay strong, not to cry and be all emotional, and the guys (blind and stupid) would buy that act, and they'd think they didn't do very much emotional harm to the girl, when really, they seriously hurt her. "/. I guess they're people we'll never be able to fully understand.
OMG, this reminds me of this one time I was in Vietnam, and since I had nothing to do for the day, I began typing a story, and it was 15 pages, small print and everything. I went to the bathroom for like, 2 minutes, and when I came back, everything was gone, 0.0. I was so upset, and my dad tried his best to try to recover the files, but they were permanently gone, “/. Boo-hoo.
I’m getting an apple laptop for Christmas, hopefully, xD. With both of my laptops broken, or about to explode, or simply giving me a big-ass headache each time I use it, my parents decide it’s time I get a new one, :D. Hopefully . . . Whoohoo! ^_^. I’ve wanted an apple laptop since forever ago!
So you get to choose your classes in university? o: . And yeah, I bet everyone really is a lot nicer and more mature. They’re no longer 13 year olds who run around the school high, =_=’. I can’t wait to get out of middle school, because I hear that once you get into high school, students begin to become more mature (but not at the local public schools), which would be so great, :D.
Thanks for the inspirational words on choosing career paths, xD. I think that’s what I’m gonna do; Follow my heart and make sure my family knows what I intend to do, too, :D.
I just dump my jewelry in a drawer. I’m surprised that none of my necklaces have gotten tangled up yet.
I’m glad that you don’t self-harm anymore. It never helps emotional issues, and it hurts your body. It’s great that you recovered.
I’m also sensitive towards people calling others who dress a certain way “emo.” Emo used to only be a genre of music, and now people have turned it into a fashion type. I also had some classmates who used the word “gay” instead of “lame.” I saw this commercial of two girls saying “that’s so gay,” and then the cashier said, “that’s so (insert the girls’ name)” It was a think-before-you-speak advertisement.
Just try to balance the good with the bad. Even though your relationship with your parents is bad, you still have your friends who care about you. I also don’t have many friends, but the few close friends I have are truly amazing. :)
There :)! A hug. Though virtual, it should still mean something. I mean, you live on the other side of the world…I can’t exactly hug you for real, anyways. xD
Anyways, I’m so sorry about what’s going on in your home. :( I have never caused myself self-harm really. I’m surprised it hasn’t crossed my mind yet, because I’m very depressed these days — though sometimes I don’t act it online. My online life is seperate from my offline life, so I am often happier in my blogs than I am when I’m talking on the phone or texting people. Anyways, I hope that you don’t harm yourself, Georgina. Though it might make you feel better, there’s nothing healthy about it. I know you probably feel like a load of freakin’ crap, but…in this situation, turn to your friends :). Your true friends will help you out.
I’d rather have 5 friends who are always there for me, and are always ready to help me when I need them, than 1,000,000 friends who are never there for me.
That’s what I was wondering: you’re 19, and technically an adult. So…why are your parents treating you like you’re really 17..? I couldn’t imagine having 30 comments to respond to :O. I only have about 3 a day, which isn’t bad. But I couldn’t imagine having 30. W o w.
I hope things get better for you, Georgina <3
There is nothing more horrible than having a very crappy home life. Try and make the best of life, though, and get out of the house more. You're 19, your parents shouldn't rule your life even though you live in their house! ♥.
Awwe! Life is really hard sometimes, but its good that you stopped harming yourself because of your problems with your family ! But, I’ve got to say that I have been through similar problems with my family. My dad has temper issues, especially these days , and while he takes it out on my mom, my mom takes it out on my sister and I. It gets scary sometimes, but we’re used to it. I’ve thought about running away from home so many times, and I hate to admit it , but when I was little, I used to dream about it. I wanted to just leave because life at home never felt safe enough. I didn’t know when my parent’s tempers were going to go off, and how far they would take it. The only reason I have never run away though was because that’s just what everyone in my family does. Whenever things are bad, and they can’t solve a problem, rather than talking about it, they just run away. My dad does it all the time to try to threaten us that he’ll leave. He never really liked my sister and I when we were little either and he treated us as if my mom, my sister and I were a totally different family than “his family” as he liked to call it.
I totally just rambled about my problems.. like you don’t have your own to worry about! Sorry :(
And, I agree with you. I’d rather have a few very close friends than a whole bunch who you can’t really talk to.
It’s also nice that you have a blog, and the whole online community who i like to think of as my other family who is always here for you. You have all of us who are here for you when you need to talk , so you don’t have to apologize for rambling on because that’s what a blog is for. To vent out your thoughts and feelings, and I bet someone who read this blog is going through something similar to you, and by writing this, you made them feel like their not alone. That’s what I always like to think about when I’m going through some tough times, and write a blog about it :)
I guess for now, you’ll just have to deal with all this, no matter how hard it is, but I have a feeling that things will get better for you :)
I’m sorry that you have/had to go through that :(. Life really can be a pain! Hopefully life will ease up :). I used to feel similarly, I think. My family’s pretty easy on me and I haven’t left it yet, but I’m rubbish at socialising and this broke me when I was younger, and still does. Ironically, I was writing about it earlier today. I think that you’re making a lot of good decisions though, especially giving up cutting. I may be wrong, but you seem to be a lot more accepting of your life. I’ve learned that time and thought can really help somebody out a lot.
I’m more sensetive when it comes to faking something, like depression or homosexuality. Even though people did that more in the past (or more when I was in middle school), it really bugs me when somebody fakes a disorder or personality trait to get attention. It really takes away from the people who really do need the attention.
I hope that things get better soon. :)
When I was younger, I didn’t really have many close friends because I was a really quiet person. Especially when I’m in a new environment with unfamiliar people. It was really intimidating to be the first to speak to the other person, I prefer the other person starting the conversation first~ 😳 Although I’m a quiet person, I’m not a loner. I really enjoy company and going out somewhere with my friends.
Right now I’m more open and more daring to speak up but it still takes me about 3 years to have close buddies.
I know what you mean by you “can feel when it’s coming”! One day, I did all the chores, wash the dishes, came up stair, got yelled at because the computer desk was dusty /hmph and it just killed my “happy” mood. What an awesome way to start a day @_@ I don’t even try to explain how I feel to my parents, just like you, I’ll just get yell at and make matter worse.
I never attempt any self harm, but I did wish I can disappear when I was small or “I will never do anything nice again”, “never talk to him/her again” and so on XD but all these never happened~
I considered self-harm again yesterday, when my brother and I had a huge fight, but I didn’t consider it for long. Like you, I turned to self-harm when I was about 15-16 years old. Actually, I think I was 14 the first time. It’s been about a year since I last cut myself.
I hate what’s going on in my house too, but I’m luckier than you because I’m moving to uni in about six weeks. Only a little bit longer of putting up with this shit.
I always think about getting an apartment right after my first year of uni and just living there, not visiting my family or anything. It’s not realistic unless I can find a good job, but maybe, just maybe. I also think though about how it would also destroy my relationship with my family. Probably not as majorly as it would for you, but if I never visited and cut myself off entirely, as I would so much like to do… well I don’t know if that would turn out to be a huge mistake later in life.
When my mom and I fight, she usually says something about “this is why you have almost no friends.” I’m like WTF mom, I’d rather have a couple/few close friends than a bunch that I’m barely close to at all.
ME TOO. I hate the word “emo”. Freshman year, my English teacher used to reprimand people for saying “emo”, but senior year when I had her again, she used it herself. :@
*Huuuugs* I hope things improve at home. /love Just remember… only FOUR DAYS!! I’m sorry I don’t have more to say about this. :( We’ve talked about it a lot; you’ve dried all my thought-wells. xD
Sympathy and kindness from a stranger.
It’s what makes the world go around.
Aw, thank you, your comment made me smile. ♥ GMH! :)
Your a great person, Geogina. Don’t let that push you away. I agree with you, I have a million friends but not one of them worthy. (Y)
First, let me say that I’m glad you realize how harmful your actions were before, and that you don’t do it now. It’s really great that you’ve found other ways of ranting, as I have friends who also cut and it hurts me to see that my friends are that desperate for a way to cope.
What your mom does to you is not fair. If you don’t mind me asking.. is she the same way with your brother? I don’t know how you’ve put up with it for so long, I just hope you get out soon. I know that running away wouldn’t help anything, and would destroy the relationship with your parents, but at the same time.. what she is doing is destroying the relationship. Yes, she’s your mother.. but she has no right to hit you, or yell at you for pointless things. You ARE an adult, and you should get to make your own choices.
If you ever need someone to ramble to, I’m here. I really do hope things get better for you, and soon. *hugs* ♥
I just wish I could come there and give you a giant hug.
But only four days! Or maybe even less now :D
Thanks for the hosting offer! I ended up just buying hosting with surpasshosting, as there was a sale and I was with them before so I’m getting pretty cheap hosting, that will be ten times more reliable than rewind /hmph
I saw the movie before I read the book, and the ending is COMPELTELY different. It bugged me, but idk.. I guess they did what they thought would be best for the movie :/ I still really liked the movie, though I haven’t seen it since before I read the book.
I haven’t heard of Bryce Courtenay, but I’ll look him up. Thanks :)
:love: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ and a big hug that covers all those love hearts.
You’re a sweetheart and never let anyone tell you differently, although I know when you hear it enough, you start to believe it. But seriously, you are a sweetheart, and if by reading this and commenting to let you know, I care can help you, I will do it over and over …
I can relate, sadly. And … I don’t mind if you ever e-mail me and rant and rant and rant. I’ll read it all. … I’m the type of friend that listens.
I hope everything gets better at home; I can’t wait to go home, yet I can. There’s a copperhead snake in the house.
But I used to cut, too. I hate the word “cutter”, and I hate when it’s associated with “emo”. “Emo” does not classify depressed, stress, or simply … sadness. If that makes sense?
I didn’t snap at her. :)
And I put up my own theme. It’s even validated. But I’ve yet to decide whether it is a true keeper.
I hope everythign gets better with you. :]
What font do you use, is you don’t mind me asking?
Let me describe my very special bear hug to you.
Soft, furry, fluffy heaven. The old and comforting smell of newly made teddy bear stuffing. Cuddly, velvet fur rubbing against your cheeks. A giant, suffocating, smothering hug.
That is what you need. You need a bear hug; a special bear hug.
I’m sorry to hear that you and your mother don’t get along. I would like to tell you that it is water under the bridge, but it sound more to me like it isn’t. I really hope there is something that you could do about it. Maybe in the future, you could escape from her grasp and not feel any pain.
Don’t you have any siblings? Does she treat anyone else like she treats you?
I think she may have problems; you should try and get her to see a counsellor.
Reading your blog made me almost cry. I have never self harmed, its never ever been something that I could even consider. I don’t think I have ever felt near desolate or dejected enough to think about it. Which means, if you did do it, you must be feeling something really… extreme?
I sincerely hope everything gets better. I know it may not get better today or tomorrow or even this year, but at some point, you WILL escape your mum’s grasp.
Oh, gosh, I hope you’re okay. :( It’s always sad to hear about others self-harming, even if they’re not doing it anymore.
There was a time when my mom was like that; always calling me stupid, shouting at me for almost no reason at all and blaming me for everything. This went on for a few years, though it’s over now. I don’t think it’s as bad as what you’re going through, definitely not.
This did cause me to become very insecure, but it also lead to some good things, now that I think about it. These things caused me to seek comfort in the online world. Without this happening to me, I probably wouldn’t know what Photoshop even was, and I’d most likely only use notepad for notes.
I’m not saying that you should try to look at these things as good things, of course, but I’m just saying that everything’s going to work out eventually, I’m sure of it. :) Just hang on there. Like I said before, your online friends will always be there for you if you need us. :D >:D<
I remember the guidance counselor scolding me last year when I said I had not idea which course I wanted to take. I really don’t see the urgency in knowing your college course in your 1st high school year. I just looked at colleges and courses when I felt like it, haha.
After college, I’d wanna work in an agency or something first, to gain experience, contacts and work for my portfolio for when I go into freelancing, haha. It’s weird that I finally feel like I have everything figure out, though I’m sure I don’t.
I actually just designed the I.D. for my high school’s orchestra (cause I have a lot of friends there and they couldn’t seem to make a nice design), and they decided to use it so I’ll be making them all, though all I have to do now is change the names, haha.
That’s good that it doesn’t. :) At the time when so many people found the whole “emo” fad cool, I remember one or two of my classmates cutting themselves just so they could call themselves emo, since they found it so cool. I found that so stupid – hurting themselves just so they could say they did. They were treating it so much less serious than it actually was.
I cried so many times because of the way my mom was, but I realized that there was a reason, and the problem was fixed, so everything got better. :)
Whether or not things get better with your mom, I’m positive things will get better in the future. :) You’ve already been so strong with all of this.