Finding cloud ninety-three (part II)
They say it is every little girl’s dream to get married. But no one ever says it is every little girl’s dream to fall in love.
No one tells a little girl that love is difficult, not just to deal with, but to find, and to have. No one tells a little girl that reality will crush their dreams and tell them Prince Charming does not exist.
I don’t know when I gave up on being an idealist, a romanticist, but I know that I had mixed feelings about love, from the moment I was with my first boyfriend at the age of twelve (we lasted a good eighteen months), through having several other crushes during secondary school. I know that for the longest time I dreamed of having someone. Someone who would love and take care of me, feel lucky to have me, accept me for who I am, give me lots of affection, never hurt my feelings, and would love me forever. I crushed on many boys, hoping one of them would sweep me off my feet. I was a hopeless romantic.
Upon reading about love, I wrote my own little novella on my experiences with love, but they were flawed. Things fell apart after some time, the other person did not feel the same way, or I knew that my feelings were not strong enough to be what could possibly be “love”. I added to my little novella every new time I thought I “fell in love”, and that became a sign that maybe the right person hadn’t come along.
In my past relationships, I was not a hundred percent happy. I did not feel like the love I felt was the kind that swept me off my feet, gave me butterflies, made me laugh or cry, or anything like I had read in a book or heard in a movie. Also: who said love had to be like the movies? Who set that expectation? I ignored that expectation, until one day I realised that I was feeling a love that was far beyond expectation.
They say you know it’s true love when you’ve never felt it before, or when you “just know”.
I had never felt like I “just knew”.
They say when you’re in love, you love someone no matter what.
I had never completely loved someone without judging them first.
They say you are never uncertain or insecure.
I was uncertain about the future and about my feelings.
They say you have all the time in the world for them and will compromise.
I was selfish and sometimes put myself before them.
They say not only do they make you happier than you’ve ever been, but you would do anything just to see them smile.
I was sitting in the kitchen at work last year, exasperated after arguing with someone. When I said to my friend Nicholas, “What is love? I don’t even know what the fuck love is”, telling him the story of how nothing felt right, how my feelings never went to the right person, and how I felt rejected and had no love for anybody – little did I know that I would find it in him.
From day one, I had witnessed this character become a small fraction of the day-to-day. Someone who was a stranger soon became a regular acquaintance, someone I saw in the distance every weekday. Someone who was gutted to see me leave work, was the same person I caught the train with in the morning. Someone who had made every effort to make my work struggles disappear, became the same person I messaged on the way home on the train. From day one to day one hundred, this someone became the friend that supported me in everything I did, everything I wanted, everything I didn’t want, and most importantly, everything I was.
This someone saw me angry; saw me laugh, saw me cry; saw me embarrassed, sick and complaining; upset me, teased me, annoyed me; was honest, was friendly, and cared. This someone saw me at my best and at my worst, was there every step of the way, and never loved me any less.
I “just knew” it was him.
Without question, I accepted and loved everything about him and everything he was, is, and ever will be.
Sometimes I am not sure what to eat for dinner. Sometimes I am not sure what I want to wear. I was not sure what I wanted to study at university. I was not sure whether I really wanted to go to a certain concert. But with him, I am sure, and I am the surest I have ever been.
I see him almost every day and I don’t think I could ever get sick of seeing him. Ever.
No one else has ever made me feel so happy.
Now when I sit in the kitchen at work sipping my tea, my Nicholas doesn’t say anything…
…because he has already answered my question.
This post is the second in a two-part series based on the quote “The wrong person will make you feel used, but the right person will make you feel loved” – read Finding cloud ninety-three (part I).