Throttling, Unthrottling

I still feel like total crap. I never do this, but today I ate comfort food. I suck. I never do this… honestly. If I feel crap the last thing I want to do is eat. But well, I ate jelly beans.

When I went to buy a ticket early this morning at the train station so I could use it to go to work later, the ticket machine ate my money. Yeah, I know it was only $2.20 but it still pissed me off. It didn’t give my money back when I hit “cash return”. I know that money isn’t a lot at all, but when you’re not even feeling well, such little things irritate you and you generally have one of two options: 1) yell and scream and rant the fucking shit out, or 2) ignore it, just move on.

I got to see James at university today. There was some event for the More organisation and they had free food everywhere. It wasn’t proper food, just cakes and sweets and some fudge. They also served coffee. I didn’t have any of the cakes because… well, I figured they’d have gluten in them. I haven’t eaten anything with gluten for a few days. I’m getting kind of used to it, but I don’t think I can live on potatoes and rice all the time. Sure beats bread, though. I’m sick of bread and sick of it making me feel sick.

I’m pretty proud of myself for making my own mashed potatoes. I guess I underestimated how easy it was… it’s easy alright. I just boiled potatoes and added salt and pepper, and some shallots and carrots. It’s probably the food I’m most proud of making. I don’t cook much as it is. Hah. I gave some to James and as I was nommin’ the rest of it on the train I kind of wished I’d given him more. He ate my boiled carrots though. 👍 ♥️

We walked the stairs after taking some jelly beans. We walked from level 3 to level 30 again. On the way down I suggested we just walk to the bottom and come back up. We weren’t really planning to take the stairs down… but it was a good workout, haha. It’s horrid trying to walk down stairs after you’ve walked all the way up them. I almost felt like my knees were going to buckle under my weight but I soon got used to it. When we reached level 3 we were actually really surprised to realise that there were no more stairs; the stairs stopped at level three. Must have something to do with the university being half on a hill and underground and other weird crap, because there was just one flight of stairs down from level three that led to an exit. O_O

When I got home today I just got really upset. I got really upset at how ill I felt and this stupid problem with my loaded/full colon, and I just really wanted to go to the doctor. I want to go soon so I can get myself fixed up soon, and fast. I was selected for some photoshoot on Wednesday and I can’t cancel it without incurring a cancellation fee. I feel disgusting and sick and because of this bloat and constipation, my stomach has just ballooned like crazy, and I look like I’m pregnant. Yet on top of all this, I’ve lost weight. Fuck, I don’t understand. 😢

So when I got home, I cried a lot, and ate two packets of jelly beans after dinner because I haven’t eaten sugary sweets in over a month, and I just thought it would make me feel better. I regretted it after that. I’ve been feeling so miserable and still crying. James said if I had to go to hospital he’d come and visit me, and make me meals (James food = better than hospital food always) and ginger tea and we would chat. 😚

I’ve been feeling too ill to do anything productive. My head is already going into overdrive and I already hate that I have two assignments due in a week. I don’t know what to do. I know I’m going to be alright, I’ll pass, but this is going to be terrible, and horrible, and I’m not going to like it. I can barely breathe with these stomach pains. 😞

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