Know What You Have

Man… I’m writing this post in a rush. Today was full of emotional feelings.

I felt like I connected to God more at church. I was in a really deep prayer. Instead of praying what I normally pray, I kind of “talked” with God. I know previously I started to feel far from God but I guess in a way, things are changing a little. I can’t be too sure. I’ll admit it as I have many times before – I’m an indecisive person. 😚 But perhaps I’m connecting with God again, I don’t know. Maybe.

Some things have been going well – friendships have been going well, my health is okay, life in general is running its course smoothly, yet I still feel oddly overwhelmed.

Maybe it’s just that I’m excited. I hear Ben Jorgensen is coming to Australia, and not just Australia… but Sydney. I can’t help but fangirl over the fact that he is coming. Without getting my hopes up too much, I am hoping that I meet him and get a picture with him or something. I’m crazy I know, but any girl would be the same with their celebrity idol, I would like to think. πŸ˜„

Thus in the hopes that my mum will let me out even if he’s just out and about. I sound like a stalker, but I’m going crazy right now while trying to keep calm as I’m typing this. πŸ˜›

On the other side of the spectrum, I guess things are a little rough at home as usual.

Earlier today, I was looking at random things on my desk and spotted a pretty nail file my mum bought me. It’s got a light in it, so it lights up when you flick a little switch in the handle.

Looking at it made me sad… about our fights, arguments and stuff that’s just happened. I felt like I wanted to cry, and I got a bit teary. I didn’t want to let it out. I feel really upset about our arguments. I know I’ve made her mad in the past, and even recently. I’ve been trying to change but it’s so hard. It’s hard… it’s difficult. Totemo muzukashii desu.1

Then again, life is pretty difficult. I guess I never showed my parents how much I loved them. I guess I’ve always been a reserved, un-showy-feely person. Maybe this is the time. The time to change.

But inside I felt like maybe God listened to my prayers somehow, or was helping me. I am not sure.

I’ve been putting it off a little… but maybe I’ll go talk to my mum… maybe give her a hug or something, if I’m not too scared.

  1. “It’s very difficult” in Japanese. ↩

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