Are We OK?

I have often cried from happiness, which I understand that not many people can do, or have experienced. I’ve had a couple of people find it strange and wonder how it feels, and I find it exceptionally hard to describe. I’m sure most people know what it’s like when you cry of sadness, so here is my attempt at writing about it in comparison.

It feels so, so overwhelming. I’ve never been drunk, but perhaps there could be some kind of connection with the feelings experienced. It feels overwhelming to the point where I can’t really breathe or feel anything and I can’t move. I sort of lose control of my body. Every time this has happened I’ve actually been alone, so I haven’t had the feeling of someone patting my back and making me feel “better” – or in this case, since I’m “happy crying”, just sort of calm me down.

I don’t make a sound when I cry of happiness, which I think is what happens in most cases. When I hear men on the radio propose to their girlfriends, there is often silence from their end as the radio host exclaims, “She’s crying! You’re shocked, are you alright?” That silence is there, alright. I don’t remember the first time I cried of happiness but it was a couple of years ago. I had known that when crying from sadness, often you can sob, or wail, but when you cry of happiness you don’t really make a sound. At least – I haven’t, but I’m sure it’ll be the same for other people.

If you’ve ever watched a musician on stage thank their fans so much for their support, and talk about how much writing music means to them (or something along those lines) and you feel so touched that you get teary… I suppose “happy crying” is a bit like that, but to a greater degree. You don’t feel an ounce of sadness at all. The same way scenes in movies tug at your heartstrings and make you go “aww”, I suppose crying of happiness is the greater form of that.

Either way, happy crying has become part of my mood swings recently, and it frustrates me because this happens immediately after I get upset. I attempt to cheer myself up and by thinking of things that make me happy immediately after getting upset, I suppose it’s a bit like a shock to my nerves and emotions.

I suppose many people also wonder what makes me have these kinds of emotions. It’s just – it’s the little things. Doing well in something. Appreciating my family and friends. I don’t have many friends, and I appreciate them all, and I will take great care to list my close friends: James, Lilian, Seb, Mike, Dylan, Fern, Johnny, Rachel, Ryan – but in all honesty, I can’t list every single person I appreciate, yet those are some I have had some amazing times with and when I’m down, I just think about those times and they put a smile on my face.

Next week I am going to the hospital for some testing. I volunteered to take part in a depression study. I really want to be a part of something that can help people with the same problem that I have. I actually hope I won’t get put on medication because after some thought, I know I don’t like depending on medication, and knowing that I’ve gotten through a lot of things on my own or with other people’s support, I think I can go on doing it. Maybe I can talk to my study doctor about it on the day.

I also have a job interview on Friday, for a web design company. If I’m not successful in getting a job they may offer me an internship, which I believe will still be beneficial to sharpen my skills.

Also, I still haven’t received my tickets to see Australian rock band Jebediah yet. The guy who was supposed to get in touch with me never did, so the competition coordinator had to email someone else. I hope that she replies soon so I know when I can pick up tickets and such. The show is on Saturday. 🙂

Today is Wednesday – the day I had university in the evenings all of this semester. This evening I thought I had forgotten to go to university when I realised that it was all over. Am I sad? I don’t know. 😔 All I know is that I’ll miss people, like I always do.

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