And the issue is…

Home, again. I find it hard to explain these things without being vague, and it’s because I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve blogged several times about how lucky I am to be here, and the same things are conjured up in my mind every time something stabs me deep in the chest. I’ve been through it all, I’ve been to hell and back again, and I’m still here, after many times I’ve fought the feelings to run away or, worse still, end everything.

I could write again about the things I continue to say – about feeling happy inside, about being lucky, about the greatest illusion in life is that things will get better, about staying positive, about having something to look forward to. People will go on saying the same things but it’s not getting to the end of it that counts.

It’s the fact that you fucking went through and endured it.

At home, I don’t want to say what’s happening. But it’s been bothering me so much, making me very emotional. Part of it has made me feel negatively about my body image, something I’ve never really openly admitted until now. I’m thin… and I admit it. I’m not fat… and I admit it. After years I realised I put on weight around my stomach, nowhere else. There were times I was younger I felt more plump than lean, times I’d endlessly sucked my stomach in just because I felt fat.

And I promise you, throughout high school, it alleviated. I didn’t care about my size, assuring myself I was fine. I weighed the same for almost five years of my life, but I cared little for numbers a lot of the time. I stopped worrying about how I looked. You’ll find that when I rant about things like this, I know and understand that weight is not anything to go by.

When I started having colon problems it just all came back again and times when my digestive system acted up, I just hated the huge belly it gave me. It was horrible and I hated it. More recently, I tried to make myself throw up my dinner, and I’ve been running to the point where I nearly collapse because I just want to stay thin.

For years I hated my thighs. I hated them a lot. I thought they got bigger the more bike riding I did, and I tried walking more to make them thinner. It honestly, bothered me so much until James told me that they weren’t fat. He told me they were a dancer’s thighs, and they weren’t fat, just muscle. It was like, just like that, I felt better about them after years of hating how they were.

There are days when I feel good about myself, and days when I just hate how I look and feel. We all have our good and bad days. Now I don’t really know where I’m going, but I hope that I can just console myself and tell myself I’m fine, that I look fine, that I will be fine. No matter how many times I get stressed out.

It’s been difficult at home, and not just with this. With other things. I’ve been hurt emotionally and physically and I swear I’ve tried everything to the moon and back. I can’t do much about it. I’ve talked to so many people and listened to the words of many people but it is the same thing that makes me get through each and every day, and it is simply that things will get better.

It’s not just that, either. It makes me sad for people who say “no, it won’t”. I know it’s hard to stay positive but if you’re forever letting yourself drown in the pits, how can it ever get better when you focus on the bad things? Sometimes I just want to be blunt and say, dude, have faith and have heart.

Comments on this post

Ahh, that kind of feeling is pretty normal with everyone I guess. I am so insecure with my body too, I felt that I was toooo skiny, and tooooo flat. And I also have big thigh, pretty big that it doesn’t match my axial form. As time goes by, I finally learned to love myself because I realized that it’s what I have and I don’t have any choice. I just focused on the fact that I am pretty, pretty in my very special way. I have to admit that feeling very emotional is hard, especially if you can’t talk about it at home. Me myself is currently hiding, hiding from my own shadows. It’s hard, if we don’t really know what’s wrong. And it’s even harder if, we are to coward to go ahead and move on. All we need is faith. You’re pretty! Suck those people who think you’re not! πŸ™‚

my parents are constantly feeding me because i’m too skinny. i’m like bones with a thin layer of skin. and let’s just say it’s not really attractive. i look at the girls in my class and they looked perfect. just the right size and a pretty face in bonus. i guess i’m jealous. and i hope that’s all. BAH. sorry if i’m no help. it’s my nature.

I know people always say the same things to make you feel better but it’s what you have to think. I really am getting annoyed when people say “it’s going to be okay” when it comes to emotional problems.

Please don’t try to force throw up or run too much, that’s going to lead into bulimia. If it’s digestive problems that’s making your belly bigger that’s not your fault then =( You shouldn’t feel bad about it. I’m not informed on your problem but are you getting some treatment for it?

Sigh, we all have our problems. I’ve been trying to gain weight for ages and I finally don’t look like a skeleton, but when I was in Korea my relatives who saw me for the first time were like ‘omg she’s too skinny the poor thing.’ It’s difficult for me to gain weight but I don’t let it bother me too much. As long as I’m eating properly, which I am, and taking care of my body.

Feel better okay? *HUG*

The problem with my mom is that when I apologize, or say something like ‘okay you were right I was wrong’ she’d yell at me for saying it or something like ‘no you’re not sorry!’ So it’s like she wants me to admit I’m wrong but gets mad at me about it … lame is the best word probably. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. Yes I cursed. I hate it when moms are such hypocrites.

Georgie! You’re not fat and you know it. This is coming from a fellow girl who has actually been really fat before and then gotten to a healthy weight. Right now, the correct world for you is not fat, or round, or anything of the sort. The correct word for you is bloated, and that’s different from being someone who has a lot of blubber on their belly.

For the record, muscles are sexy on girls, since girls can’t develop big muscles without testosterone supplements. Holding your belly in is also good for you because it strengthens the ab muscles that protect your internal organs in that part of the body.

I hope that your digestive system gets resolved soon! Then you’ll be all happy again!

I can somehow feel what you felt while you were writing this down, and it’s making me sad. It’s okay, Georgie. You don’t have to force yourself to endure much more than you have been for so long. I could read from some tweets a little about your home, and I know I don’t have any idea what it might be. There’s never a close option, you can do something about it. Don’t let it control you. It’s never a good thing to be sad. );

And about your colon, I haven’t heard much about it recently. Is it getting better? I’m skinny too, and I’m not fat. But like you, I don’t gain weight at all, and I have this big lump of a belly that I hate, but it’s okay. I try to keep it down by skipping meals and such, but it doesn’t help much. I think it’s better to just get enough food that you’ll need for the day. It’s not good that you’re this close to collapsing. It might do worse. I have so many parts of my body that I’d do anything to get replaced with a better one, but I know that isn’t possible (unless I consider surgery, but that is waaayy out of my plans right now) so I just suck it up and go on with my life. And then soon I just started not to care. This isn’t the best way, but it kind of helps me relieve myself. And it’s okay. We’re not supposed to be perfect.

If it makes you feel any better, whenever I look at your pictures, I get envious. You’re really pretty, you know that. Don’t let the small things weigh you down. Heads up! (;

Hiiiii!! β™₯️ *hugs* I can sorta understand your pain except for the colon part, I hope it’s getting better. I’ve have a stomach also, it really sucks because I hold it in most of the time so people don’t really know. I would say I’m fat because I’ve seen some girls in my school who are fat and I’m not like that and neither are you. Please don’t make yourself throw up because it will lead to an eating disorder and those are hard to get out off. I’ve often thought about doing the same thing and when I reach the perfect weight I’ll just stop but I don’t think there’s such a thing as the perfect weight. No matter what that insecurity will always be there. I do hope things get better for you. *big giant bear hug* β™₯️

The thing is though in Ohio we don’t have like markets and such. If you want to buy clothes it’s always the mall or name brand stores like Old navy, burlington and stores like that.
OMG A Cinderella Story is one of the oldest Cinderella movies ever lol. It’s not all that but I just love the ending lol. People are soo weird so they have these awkward food combination, and if you don’t like it they make it seem like you’re the weird one. πŸ™

There won’t be ANYONE who will scrutinize the way you look as closely as yourself. You may think that your belly and thighs are big but looking at your pictures there’s no way that’s true. 😐

You’re really pretty! Keep telling yourself you are!

I think most women have body issues. No one is perfect and there’s always parts of us we don’t like, or like less some days more than others whether it’s justified or not. Even the skinniest girls have fat days πŸ™‚ I spent last week avoiding dessert because I felt fat and spent the weekend pigging out with my friends because I felt fabulous.

Things do always get better. That’s the nice thing about life, even if you don’t have control over some things, there’s always stuff you can control and concentrating on that stuff, envisioning good things to come, really does help.

I’m sorry you are having such horrible feelings. I think there comes a time when we all go through issues with our bodies to one extent or another and it is never fun. I hope that you find some way to work through this pain you are feeling. I know it is something that you have to come to terms with yourself but always know that there are ways to seek help and people who care about you. Always know that you can go to them.

Life goes through cycles, good and bad. During the good times we have to relish the happy moments so during the bad times we have beautiful memories to look back on, to keep us going until we make it to the net happy swing of the pendulum. C’est la vie, I suppose. *hugs*

:love: It’s hard to believe what you’re being told when you are haunted by your own thoughts. I live it daily. I am there. Obviously in a different way to you, but the feelings amount to basically the same. Bloated is different to fat. When I was REALLY thin I bloated. It was odd and I hated it because the rest of me was just, bones. And not the healthy look.

Personally, I think you are a beautiful, talented young woman. I think that, and I am sure the majority if not all that comment here think that. And James, well James, he loves you … And that love is a beautiful thing. And yes it will get better, and you will feel better then you do now, in time. When it’s time. I know it is hard right now, but do one thing a day that’s being nice to you whether it be talking to James, eating something you love, or going to a quiet walk taking pictures β™₯️

*hugs* β™₯️

I think you just have to let them understand how you feel. That of all the people right now, they should be the one who should be there for you. You don’t have to feel bad because you’re not alone. I admit I felt reeeaaaaaally insecure back in high school when my classmates and friends were thinner than me. I felt ugly and stupid but someone made me realized I was wrong and that I am beautiful in my own way. I started to love myself and till then people see the real beauty in me.

You have James. You’re lucky you have someone to affirm all your good qualities. I know some people who really feel ALONE to the point that they feel depressed. 😞 But I know you’re such a strong person, Georgie. You can get through all of this. πŸ˜‰ Tell me if there’s something I can do to help you out. I’m here. 😁

I have such bad body issues, I went through the stage of starving myself which nearly led to a eating disorder as well as depression, I lost 32 pounds in 3 months. I hate my belly, people say to me its muscle but I keep thinking its fat. I have my days where I feel great so I buy new clothes.

Hope things at home get better for you. I am trying so hard to be positive on life, everyday I get by sometimes with a struggle.

*hugs* β™₯️ I never knew you felt that way about your body; I always thought you were content with your body image, so this has shocked me somewhat. I’m the opposite and I hate my body for the fact that I’m skinny, I’d rather be 20 pounds heavier and actually look healthy, but I guess everyone is different and depends on the circumstances.

I can understand what you’re saying about your bloated belly, mines always bloated and it’s a horrible feeling, especially when you’re not happy with your body. You have to remember though, that bloating won’t be forever and once you find that right balance in your diet, the bloating should subside.

Once your digestive problems are resolved, all these negative thoughts will go with it too. It’s a long, hard process because there are so many things that could be causing your problems, but you have to stay patient and keep trying the things you’re trying. You’ll find an answer soon enough. Like you said, “have faith and have heart”.

I hope the problems you’re having at home, and the problems with your digestive system get sorted soon. *hugs* β™₯️

RE your comment:

I love that music never gets old; like Michael Jackson’s songs, I could never get bored of them. His music is so inspiration and I don’t think his music will ever go out of “fashion” so to speak. Even kids were never knew him will know his music, that’s for sure.

Hahaha, well, that’s how Beautiful Day is to me. I don’t think anyone actually listened to the songs I post and just wrote “NICE SONGS”, except you. πŸ˜› That’s the only song I really like by Saving Abel to be honest.

LOL, I do that with bands too. I used to LOVE Muse loads, now I just *like” them so I tried to listen to other bands loads to push them off my top plays, baha. Marianas Trench are good, only really into a few of their songs though, but they are a good band! Your Last.fm amuses me greatly because your music is so varied. πŸ˜›

MCR’s first two albums are.. eh IMO, I prefer their last two albums but that’s just me. The Black Parade is the best though, I don’t think they could upstage that. 😐

WUGS!

I like your thighs. 😍
You’re really quite a nice shape. πŸ™‚ and I think it’s kinda hot /um

tahee

I’m glad you’ve been feeling better lately. :3 it’s nice to know that you don’t feel as alone, in this mad bad world..
I’ll admit sometimes I’m sort of sucked into the body image thing. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking the likes of ‘oh god one muffin and I’ll be as fat as Oprah’ but it really doesn’t work that way.
One muffin a day for a month, yes. One a month, no. It’s pretty easy for us; to just eat healthy, move around a bit more. Somehow it’s so hard for the average Australian to grasp. No time? People should make time; it’s their wellbeing at stake here.

Tex Mex tomorrow; have a light breakfast. Tahee. I anticipate a substantial quantity of Tabasco entering my system in around 12 hours../bounce 😁 😁

πŸ‘

Ah, good old body image issues. Loads of fun, those. Not to mention this ridiculous fat-phobic and fat-hating near-global culture. You’re *not* fat, but being fat shouldn’t be the end of the world — but we’re taught that it is, and that it should be, because fat people are Ugly and Bad. Yes, being overweight can lead to health problems, and obesity is a serious, genuine problem, but, just… bah. If this fat-shaming thing didn’t exist, you wouldn’t have to look at your thighs and think they’re fat, or look at your stomach and think it’s huge — as others have said, bloating is different than being fat — but it does and you do and it bites.

Anyway, I’ve nothing helpful or profound or even useful to say, but many eHugs to add. β™₯️

I have lots of things I hate about myself, specially that my legs aren’t straight. I don’t think my weight is a problem, I don’t feel really skinny, but I hate my legs. ANyway during the years I tried to love myself, and even if sometimes I remember how I look, I just became more confident. I am lucky because I have a lovely family, a stable home and a lot of amazing friends and I’m proud of myself because I work for my dreams and when I was down I managed to get up on my own.

Life gives you lots of surprises and you have no reason to be sad, lonely, depressed. I never believed in faith, I just believed in what men can do to himself. Almost all the things that happens in your life can be controlled and you live by the consequences of your actions.

I swear that I can’t wait to grow up and go in vacation on my own. I never was so bored in a trip like in this one. I am the kind of person who doesn’t enjoy so much to do nothing, and it drives me crazy when I loose precious time. I was supposed to relax in that trip, but how much a person can relax?

You should really get some spare time and go to the beach. Maybe in the summer holiday:). It’s really beautiful:D

*hug* sorry that you’re going through a hard time right now 😞 and sorry that you’re hating your body, sounds a bit rich coming from me but you shouldn’t because you are lovely and not fat and even if you were people would still love you. I too have body issues when there’s days when I feel absolutely huge, and i hate my belly because its so flabby and massive and my thighs are fat, but then there’s other days when I feel great, and days when I think yeah it needs work but I’m getting there, so chin up and try not to run too much. Bloating sucks, the doctor diagnosed me with IBS and I get these attacks sometimes where my stomach swells up like a balloon and I look 6 months pregnant and I get the worst tummy ache, sometimes theres nothing I can do but not eating too much and not eating too much rich food and dairy helps, although its different for everyone, I’ve been reading your blogs this last few weeks and been following your troubles with your digestive system which blows, I hope that you get it sorted soon so you feel more well in yourself πŸ™‚ stay positive

If that’s one thing I’ve learned is that when you’re in stressful environments/situations, they tend to take a toll on you in different ways. Weight isn’t everything, if you’re plump you’re going to feel insecure, if you’re skinny, you’re going to feel insecure, but the one thing you can never do is put your health in jeopardy because you aren’t satisfied with the way you look. It only causes more problems for you in other ways, and soon you won’t want to or know how to deal with the extra things that come along with these types of health problems too. It’s easier said than done in a lot of situations, words of encouragement aren’t always encouraging, which is why you have to encourage yourself. Maybe you should write down your goals and strive to achieve them, no matter how hard it may seem. For some time I was dealing with a lot and dealing with depression as well, but soon I realized that all of this was sending me spiraling down into a worse place than I’d already been and I wasn’t happy with that either. If you want things to change, you have to change them, you cannot simply let it pass you by and feel bad about it.

Big thighs are sometimes beautiful you know. I wish i have them because I have small one. πŸ™‚ but i hope you are feeling okay now… a little exercise might help ! πŸ™‚ *hugs*

I heard about your colon/digestive system problems and I hope it gets better now. I gather you’ve been seeing doctors yeah?

I think girls (and probably some guys idk) start caring about how they look at certain time of their age. Mostly it happens during high school (must be influence from all those TV shows). I used to care so little about my appearance until my final year in high school.

But weight is not everything. Sure we try our best to look in shape but don’t force yourself up to the point you’re hurting yourself instead. I think it’d be a good move if you can find a safer and healthier approach to reducing the big belly if it cause you much concern (hahaha I should listen to this advice myself). But all in all, love yourself, even when things don’t seem so bright.

Awww sweetheart. Wish I had seen this sooner! We all get body hangups, I’ve had them most of my life. And yeah, I’m what you’d call ‘skinny’ or ‘thin’ as well. And just because you’re thin doesn’t make you happy with your body. I have some excess fat around my stomach. I don’t think it’s bloating (I think that might be what you have perhaps, especially because of your digestive issues). I think mine is just a bit of fat that will go away with exercise lol. When I look down at it, it looks horrible and sometimes I think “OMG. STUPID FAT”. But you can’t really see it when I’m wearing clothes anyway, and it’s actually healthier for women to have a bit of fat around your stomach instead of rock hard abs. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway lol. Sometimes I get annoyed at my thinness. I get annoyed at my pointy elbows, or my lack of adequate chest area lol. However, I have long legs, and Shaun loves them, so that’s nice πŸ˜† Having nice legs kind of makes up for the small boobs. I don’t have so many body hang-ups now that I’m older (I had tonnes when I was a teen), but yeah. Women will compare themselves to other women, it’s only natural. You just have to accept and work with what you have. *HUGS* You are beautiful, Georgie, inside and out πŸ™‚ Your family knows it, your friends know it, James knows it. You should know it, too β™₯️33