weeknotes #3: listening to myself and rebuilding myself

I have an iPhone 12 mini. I find it hilarious exactly how much (or how little) fits into a screen as I start typing this post. Back in the day, I got somewhat used to blogging on-the-go, or at least wrote a large portion of my blog posts while I was on the move.

I’m sick of my hair. It’s so long (almost to the top of my butt) and I just want to get it cut. I tie my hair up all the time when it’s really long, and that’s what I’ve been doing lately. I want to wear it loose but I only like to do that when it’s shorter. It feels like it weighs me down. I am really keen to cut it shorter so that I can also try out a wavy hairstyle. When I do waves or curves with my long hair, it looks too much. Like I’m a mermaid or something.

It is the next morning. I decided to go to sleep instead of writing my blog post. I have woken up at 7:00am most days this week, including the weekend. It’s a bit odd considering I have been going to sleep at midnight, but last night it must have caught up with me because I slept at 10:30pm. What I am happy about is the quality of my sleep. It has been quite good lately.

Last week I mentioned that I was in a bit of a dark place with being burnout and having negative thoughts swamp me. I spent a good portion of last week’s long weekend disconnecting from work. I took a break from Instagram because there were some things on there that were triggering me. I don’t think I use Instagram a lot, but it made a surprising difference not using it for a week. I think I will keep doing that for a bit longer.

We watched some Bear Grylls’s You vs. Wild this week. I had a good crack up at some of the footage. One of my exes was very interested in Bear Grylls and Man vs. Wild and I didn’t see the appeal, at least based on what he told me, which seemed partially like relying on shock factor and the human condition (we are grossed out by certain things) for entertainment. I never watched any videos with him. So watching You vs. Wild with Nick was my first proper “sit-down and watch what this guy does”. You vs. Wild is interactive, a bit like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book style of television show. You make choices and some get you in the shit, some are successful. Sometimes you want to go back and check out what the other options do. It can be a bit of a time suck. But the more you watch, the more you realise it’s all staged, it has to be staged, there is no way this is actually properly real. That’s what gave me a good laugh.

My appointment with a counsellor went well. It was good to get an outsider’s perspective on things. What I took away was that I should give myself permission to have a break and that I should also give myself more kudos for how far I’ve come and how well I’ve dealt with things so far. This encouraged me to do better at listening to myself. I think it has been a long time since I have actually listened to myself. I look back on the lockdown (which is ending tomorrow, by the way) and I see a lot of times I pushed myself and ignored all my boundaries. It is a bit weird to admit, but my relationship with work became quite negative, and I noticed that I felt unmotivated in the past couple of weeks. It was time to make some kind of change.

I am not one for drastic change, but I feel like some kind of “glow up” is in effect. (“Glow up” inspired by my friend Pauline who had LASIK surgery recently and is feeling MEGA!) Hahaha, bear with me as I explain. Firstly, I need to rebuild my relationship with work. What does that look like? Well, I don’t really know. I have a team I can be open and honest with, and they will be patient with me throughout this process. I see myself giving myself more space, more breaks, and more time off. I might be rejecting meetings and not going to meetings that increase my stress levels or that I feel vulnerable in. At the moment, anyway. I have already taken some of those steps. I am not always stressed and vulnerable in meetings, but I think it became like that because of how much pressure I put on myself recently. Things are not going to look consistent or predictable, but I really hope that this change in listening to myself and what my body and mind needs – in relation to work – will help me re-learn good habits and make work feel more positive again.

The next part of said glow up, is, well, who the fuck am I? The pandemic has changed some of our perspectives and the way we carry ourselves in this world. I will write about hobbies and interests and bringing meaning to my life another time, though. Those who know me well or have been following my blog for a while know that I am super interested in personal style! Well, over the past couple of years my style has been typified by really sharp outlines and more “boyish” cuts. I discovered the Kibbe body typing system as well, which types you based on your bone structure and body lines (rather than really simple shapes like rectangle, apple, pear, etc.). I self-identified as a Flamboyant Gamine, meaning I have small and angular bones and features, and am pretty compact overall. At five foot two, yes certainly. But I started thinking about some of the softer, rounder lines I was wearing in some of my clothes and was surprised to find that they flattered me more, and I looked better in them, compared to the really sharp lines I was wearing. In comparison, it looked kind of off. This would suggest that my body type is that of a Soft Gamine, which still suggests that cropped, short, and crisply outlined pieces look best on me, but should have a softer outline and softer shapes. I think that some of the muscle I’ve gained over the past few years of working out has resulted in more curve in my body, and now, looking back, I realise that even at my skinniest, I had very soft and rounded flesh on my bones. This discovery has encouraged me to look into trying some pieces that better suit a Soft Gamine and updating my summer wardrobe (Southern hemisphere here, folks) with some of those things. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. But I am keen to keep writing about this on my blog.

I made vermicelli and prawn rolls last night. I’ve been trying to use up a lot of shit in our fridge and pantry, and I still had noodles and rice paper wraps to use up. I’ve used up a lot of it, but there is one thing in my pantry that is giving me the shits: some all-natural fruit and nut bars. I bought three flavours (about 18 pieces in each) many months ago with the idea that they would be a healthy snack, but you know what? I fucking hate them. Hahaha. It’s taking me so long to go through the whole lot. They are also quite calorie dense, even though they are made with all-natural ingredients. I think one serve contains 190–200 calories. To be honest, I have hated fruit and nut bars since I was a kid, so I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking.

Speaking of food, I am soooooo sick of all the food options in my area here. I want to try something different, but at the same time, I’m the kind of person who really loves to keep eating the same things they love. But during the lockdowns in Sydney, our options have been limited, so I don’t even think I have been eating much of what I love during this time. Along with the “glow up” and finding out what I like and who I am, I guess in the next few months I’m going to re-learn what food I like to eat, and rediscover some of the places I used to love eating at and why I like them.

Anyway, I’ll leave it there. Not much else to ramble about. But I am in a more positive place. Here’s a photo of me and Nick waiting for Korean oven baked chicken.

A selfie of a man and a woman, with the woman’s arm around the man’s shoulder. They both have face masks on. The woman has long dark hair and is wearing a navy hoodie and her face mask has a bright gumtree pattern on it. The man has dark hair, a have mask, and is wearing a linen shirt. There is warm red lighting projecting a slight redness on their faces.
“Wait, let me fix my mask” – Nick

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