Strange news from another star


I had such a shit day today. And, obviously, I hate talking about shit days but here goes. Everyone has pissed me off so much. I suppose I’m exaggerating when I say ‘everyone’, but it just seems that very little people have been nice to me at all.

There is a beginning, so let’s start from the beginning. Yesterday I got an assignment back. I really wanted to tear it to shreds the moment I got it.

Prior to yesterday we got feedback for our assignments sent by email. I thought I can’t have done badly at all. I honestly didn’t. I tried my hardest on that assignment, and I know, back in first year (2009) I would have deserved the not-so-good grades I got because I didn’t really read through everything properly or proofread my work, but I swear I tried with this one. And I thought I’d be alright.

My tutor spelled my name wrong in the email, and it infuriated me. I told her in the nicest way possible that she had spelled my name wrong and she just apologised for the typo and said she knew how to spell my name. If she did, she wouldn’t have spelled it wrong twice. And somehow I think that this stupid Pass Plus grade is ridiculous. I can’t have… I can’t have. Sebastian got similar comments to me and got a higher grade. I barely did anything wrong, and she pretty much fucking failed me. I delivered all the components of the assessment and even justified my reasoning for the database design we had to do.

It is not… fair. I believe she is biased, and I do not think there is anything I can do about it, I can’t fix it or discuss it – do I even want to discuss it? no. And now I’m crying over all this other stupid shit.

I’ve had enough… the thing is, enough of what. I have had enough of the people in James’s group for some subject… some subject I couldn’t really care about right now. They don’t seem to care about his suggestions and just want him to be present when they don’t really ask him to do much, be involved, blah, blah, blah. And perhaps I’m just that person tagging along for company, yeah, what’s wrong with that? They don’t seem to like me or anything I say; seem to hate when I am even present. Maybe I don’t really care what they think of me but they could at least be polite to me. I told James, “they act like I’m not even here and I don’t exist.”

“You’re real to me.” ♥️

I don’t know what to do anymore. Fuck it all. People have just put my mood down. And then I end up getting angry at the tiniest things, and I swear I don’t mean to. It just happens. It happens on impulse, and my senses make me overreact and get angry simply because other things are bothering me and I’m already in a bad mood. If I’m in a bad mood, something that normally bothers me would make that bad mood worse… it only makes sense from there.

I’m just a person… people are fragile beings. I did get angry at tiny things today. I did overreact. I can acknowledge what I’ve done that wasn’t the best reaction. I wish everything would be all okay. Whoever tells me to stop crying can fuck off. Because that is my way of dealing with the pain and just letting it go.

You know, even just for a day. I know what it’s like to be lonely… and it sucks.

I’ll just hug my knees.

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