Catching up with myself

It’s 10:52pm, I slept at midnight last night, and it was awfully hard dragging myself out of bed this morning when I kept hitting “snooze” on my alarm. I think I am still jetlagged from my trip to Indonesia. I feel really tired even though Indonesia is only three hours behind… My mum hasn’t been feeling too good lately; I think her typhoid-like condition is getting more serious. She’s been needing to visit the doctor over and over because of recurring symptoms. :(

I remember not wanting to go to Indonesia and dreading the trip, thinking I was going to hate it. I remember last time, when I went in 2007, I secretly cried on the way home because I was just sad to leave and sad to go, but hey, I was a seventeen-year-old with no real sense. Maybe I just missed holding Ricky’s hand when we went to sleep, because, I don’t know, I was probably lonely. Every time I go to Indonesia I get mildly homesick. This time my brother Brandon was getting so angsty by the time there were five days left of our trip. He was extremely moody and he kept openly saying he was homesick. I think he just missed his girlfriend. (You should have seen the huge Hello Kitty doll he got her.) He’s never usually been homesick, maybe because he was much younger back then, and he just went with the flow.

Like me though - I realised that this time, I looked at it from a much more mature perspective. Sure, I got moody and pissy at times and probably yelled a little too often, but I probably didn’t miss my friends back at home too much. I still kept in touch with James, and I still tweeted a whole lot. It’s not like I really was gone.

But still, now that I’m back home, I feel like a part of me is empty. It feels dull, it feels like I left it behind.

I left my bread in San Francisco. LOL sorry, tangent. XD I just remember that line from Home Alone 3 when someone says something about leaving something behind.

Anyway.

Instead of feeling lonely while I was there, now I feel lonely back at home. I finally get to see James tomorrow, I haven’t seen him for a whole month. There will be a lot of catching up to do. And hugging. /eee It’s hard to believe that last time I went to Indonesia, we were almost together, but we were such good friends. When I think about young love, well, it’s sweet. When you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to picture them not being in your life. I don’t mean that in a silly way. I mean that in a sincere way. They are such a part of your daily life that you don’t quite know where you’d be at if they weren’t there.

I send James a message nearly every morning, or he does the same. If none of us says anything, it’s almost like something is missing from my daily life. I’m not going to collapse and die if I don’t see James, but if I don’t hear from him or even get to talk to him - if I didn’t have him as my best friend, I can’t imagine what it would be like. At work, I would probably just eat lunch in the office most days. I’d go to the shops alone, or not go at all. It’s hard to explain a thing like love. Like really freaking hard. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but it truly is hard to imagine life without someone you love.

It doesn’t matter who that person is. Your mum, dad, brother, sister, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, cousin, grandma, grandpa… The people you love have a place in your life, a place you give to them because they mean a lot to you. When you even try to imagine them being away, you’re left with gaps where they used to be.

I miss Ricky a great deal, because he’s the cousin closest to my age and I guess because I’m closest to him. I hate playing favourites, but he’s my favourite. :P We’ve been talking about the possibility of him visiting us here in Sydney in the next year, and even undertaking postgraduate study here in a number of years. The only time my whole family can really take him around to do tourist-y things is December, around Christmas time. We won’t be occupied with school or work, and that is usually when everyone has long holidays.

The problem is, Indonesia’s school year begins around this time - similar to the USA. Ricky will only have two weeks to bumble around here, but I did try to convince him it was well more than enough. To be honest, I don’t have much on my list yet, but I’ve already put dibs on taking him to the zoo, aquarium, and to a bunch of music shows. He’s not that into music, and when that happens with one of my friends… I make a severe effort to drag them to gigs and get them to listen to some new tunes or introduce them to some new music. :) I also want to show him all the good food and restaurants. /cool I’m really hoping he can come in December, then at least he’ll know what it’s like here, and hopefully if he likes it, he’ll want to study here later on. ;)

I keep forgetting he’s a couple of years younger than me. And my brother, nearly 17. Those two have such ambition. When I was 17 I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career, no idea at all. /blush I know my brother has this little scope of things he wants to do in the field of psychology and human interaction, and Ricky is considering studying here so he can work here as a software engineer (or something in that field). HELLO. When I was seventeen I think I didn’t even know what I wanted to study in university, thank you very much! /argh

Well, we grow up at different rates, some faster than others. Twenty-one is still young, right?