Today I’m interviewing my radical friend Alice aka ricetard (she hereby apologises for her website being down at the moment). I know her to be a great writer, intelligent and plainly hilarious.

Vehement Social Justice Warrior™. Shamelessly devoted to fan culture and transformative works. Writer, low-key obsessed with music. I like pop culture and breaking parallel sentences within paragraphs.

Hopefully I’ll get my BFA in English Creative Writing at the University of Iowa within the next year and a half. Meanwhile I’ll probably be tweeting excessively – lately it’s been about anime. Emojis are rad.

Let’s see how much of her shines through in this set of questions!

If you could change the ending of any book, any book at all, which would it be and why?

Lemony Snicket’s The End in A Series of Unfortunate Events. I mean, I know the whole point of the series is to generate more questions and never give any answers, but mAN. I want some answers. Also I’m not feeling too fond of the guy right now so *shakes fist at him* your ending wasn’t that great dude!

How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?

Certainly more than one. There’s no way horses can do much with lightbulbs without any opposable thumbs. Or any fingers, for that matter.

If fish had legs, what would they wear?

Alright, so, recently I read a story where a character wears mermaid pants, so. Mermaid pants. I mean, I guess fish wouldn’t want to be mermaids if they were already mermaids but if they wore clothing they’d want it to resemble them.

You are walking down a road rather late at night. It is raining lightly. You are wearing a yellow raincoat. Let us assume you are scared. You are carrying a cardboard box. What is in the box?

A kitten! I rescued a kitten. I enjoy rescuing kittens (I’ve only rescued one.)

You are walking down the same road, in the same situation, this time wearing a black raincoat. Are you scared? What is in the box?

I’m not scared! It’s just black raincoat day. I’ve rescued another kitten. I’m the mother of many kittens.

What is the weirdest craving you’ve had?

This one time I was craving my high school’s turkey sandwiches. It was like midnight during the summer holidays. I dunno man.

Would you rather eat honey straight from honeycomb or drink milk fresh from a cow?

Um, assuming that I didn’t get the honey from the honeycomb myself, then definitely that! I heard milk from a cow is more, like, solid and stuff. But honey’s authentic. So as long as someone else is getting it for me – don’t wanna get stung (or trigger my tripophobia, haha…)

Would you rather be a frog with wings, or a dragonfly with legs?

A dragonfly with legs would look prettier? I’m thinking about Pokemon? … But in terms of survival, definitely a frog with wings. Then I could eat that dragonfly with legs.

Which of the following would you completely remove from existence everywhere on the earth, if you could and absolutely had to: vacuum cleaner; toilet paper; popcorn; shoes; mathematics.

Alright, so let’s see… getting rid of a vacuum cleaner would mean it would be harder to clean floors… toilet paper would mean we would have to go back to wiping with leaves… popcorn… is delicious……. shoes… Okay we’re keeping shoes, I’m a neat freak… but math is important to scientific advancements SO. Popcorn. I guess. We can use that corn for something else.

There is a giant neon yellow dinosaur running after you. You are running across a wooden bridge held together by rope. All you have with you is, incidentally, a rope. As you run across the bridge, the dinosaur follows. What do you do?

Hold up, this dinosaur is giant and neon yellow, you say? Make friends with it, of course! I don’t know why it’s running after me but I’m sure it’s because it wants to be friends with me. We can make friendship bracelets out of the rope. It’ll be great. We can reenact the scene with Shrek and Donkey on that bridge. That dinosaur and I are buds.

What is your favourite emoticon right now?

I use the prayerhands.emoji and the poop.emoji a lot!

What song would you play to a deaf person if it meant that the song would give them the ability to hear?

Hozier’s “Take Me To Church”

If you were the leader of your own religion, what would you do or believe in that would make people convert to this religion?

To be honest, after seeing all the various failed attempts of people attempting to reach out to others about their religion, I’m not even going to try to persuade them with a belief system. Money. Y’all get money. Say you’ve converted and you’ll have some money. This will only happen when I’m rich, though. So then I can become rich and powerful.

Imagine I give you $100 to buy something online right now. What would you buy?

Georgie… you should’ve given me $100 earlier this week… I’ll buy a nice present for my mother :)

Write a haiku now.

Sleep is so good and
school is terrible and bad.
I’m moving out soon [thumbsup.emoji]
(That last part doesn’t count as syllables okay pretend it’s an actual emoji)

You can catch Alice at:

• arose.nu