Finding cloud ninety-three (part I)

The wrong person will make you feel used, but the right person will make you feel loved. –Sonya Parker

We make fools of ourselves sometimes, we make mistakes, we make the wrong decision, and we fuck over in ways unimaginable. Liz’s post struck a chord with me. After reading it I felt compelled to write about something that ticked over in my mind as I read about her experience with a boy.

I’ll put it simply: I both hate and love boys. I’ve grown up through almost twenty-four years of my life hardly ever being friends with girls. I’ve always felt a bit like “one of the boys”, what with my interests in certain types of music, computer games and recreational activities in general. However, I’ve had experiences that have been distasteful and uncomfortable, and worst of all, left emotional scars. I don’t like to rip open old wounds, but this is something I’m just going to come right out and say: I was used by someone for the most violating reason. The worst part was not even realising that I had fallen into a trap because I was so infatuated with this guy, this irrefutable idiot, and I was far too blind to see.

The worst part was contemplating, as days, weeks, and months, passed. The worst part was realising all these months later that I had probably made more than just a mistake, had fallen into more than just a trap. Was that really all there was to it? There was nothing else? There was nothing, at all? He was just a disgusting, manipulative jerk? Heck, I’ve come across one super manipulative jerk, who I mentioned a bit vaguely many years ago, but I guess in a way this was different because I walked right into the bloody trap.

Oh, the things that guys will make you do when you like them.

I was the idiot. It’s both upsetting and sad, and although I’ve long put it behind me and don’t feel hurt by it anymore, the fact is that it once did. Current circumstances mean that I cannot avoid this person. I’m not saying that avoiding him would really help me. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t really need any help.

I’ve just come clean with something that kind of tore me up inside for a while. Sure, I’ve come across the occasional manipulative guy and stumbled right out, but now I really, truly know what it is like to be used. It feels shit. In this case, I can honestly say that the further misogynistic comments and behaviour from this person have completely turned me off, made me feel ashamed, led me to lose all respect for him.

Perhaps, realistically, while I am a forgiving person, in this case I may not have been so forgiving after all. The hardest part was perhaps forgiving myself for the wrongs I had done. However, in feeling ashamed, I knew that part of me had expected something more, and I only sat in the pool of disappointment without doing anything more. Perhaps I had finally felt a bad taste in my mouth, and regretted falling victim to such a cheap trick.

It’s only when you look back on something, do you realise you’ve already walked away.

This post is the first in a two-part series based on the quote “The wrong person will make you feel used, but the right person will make you feel loved” – read Finding cloud ninety-three (part II).

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Last night, I was thinking about all that happened with that idiot whose name starts with C. I kept getting mad at him, and then reminding myself that, really, all I had to do was say “no, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore,” so really, except for the lies in the beginning, which I quickly found out, it was me who let him be an asshole in my life. Yes he hurt me and I felt used, but only because I didn’t have the self-confidence to stop, because letting him use me made me feel good about myself and desirable in some twisted way. “Don’t you have any self respect?” Guess not.

I’m glad all that is behind me now and I wish it wouldn’t have randomly popped into my head last night. At least I’m not the only one thinking about shitty experiences.