When tired is a state of living
I have been feeling very tired lately, and every time I do, I feel like I’ve been totally betrayed by my body. Hey you, you didn’t give me enough sleep. This is all your fault. You should have known that I needed more sleep. You didn’t make me get it. And in each instance, I never think of blaming my alarm, bad public transport, early classes, work, or anything else. It’s always you, you, Body. The body is like a cage. Except you don’t see much of the cage, it’s on the inside. Hidden, so instead of you feeling physically trapped, you feel mentally trapped.
I cleaned my room so intensively and extensively on the weekend. I threw out a lot of books — children’s books, reference books, study guides, junior fiction novels — books that I hadn’t touched in at least two years. It breaks my heart to let them go, and I know people will be disappointed in me, probably ask “what kind of bookworm are you?” and tell me I should have kept them, given them to my children, given them to my nieces, and so on. But that’s the whole point. It’s tiring to keep this kind of stuff in the back of your mind. You know you won’t read those books again. You know it’s a better idea to give it to someone who will use it, but what if you don’t know anyone who does? And who’s to say that the person you’re giving these books to — isn’t just going to draw all over them, or pass them on, or even throw them out?
Books are amazing things, and used to love digging into a pre-loved book, and I still love browsing through bookstores at all the classics, and I still love perusing the used books section in markets. But that is the beauty of books. You will always find new ones to read. Books aren’t about collecting. They’re about sharing. Sharing the words you have with the rest of the world. For those less fortunate, for those who can’t afford them, or for those who, like you, just want something new to read.
It doesn’t matter if they’ve been thrown out in the end. What matters is that you loved them while you had them. All loves will eventually die, for whatever reason, and the same goes for books. Inanimate objects. Things. Bundles of paper. Bundles of paper that are not known until they’ve had their covers opened, discovered, by new fingers.
And so was the day I pulled a hundred books from my shelves, for them to continue, on the next chapter of their journey.
And the more I cleaned my room, the more I realised I had gone over that bridge. How hard had it been for me to throw out anything I hadn’t touched in a year? If you asked me a year ago, I would have yanked that Valentine’s Day card from my ex-boyfriend right out of your hands, filed away the assignments from my Bachelor’s degree, and told you to get out of my room and leave my shit alone.
But two days ago? You could point out almost anything in my room, and I would tell you how much time it had left. I would be able to tell you. Now, it’s going. Or next week, it’s going. Or when I fill it up, with words, or when I finish reading it. Or when it changes colour. Change tells us everything, and so does the little voice inside us. Things, objects and stuff are not a part of us. I can tell you exactly when the things I own will expire, will lose their value, and will no longer be useful.
I can tell you that what matters to me is getting up in the morning. I can tell you that nothing in my room is as important as I once thought it was. And that’s all because it’s in my head. Each memory, and what I need to remember, is in my head. Even when I’m tired. Even when you’re tired, the most important things will still be in your mind, and they’ll still matter.
:love: ♥ ♥
That is all.
I hope that you can not feel as tired soon. :( It is horrible when you feel that way, especially when there are so many issues that get to that point. Too bad you can’t sleep at work.
I know how you feel about getting rid of books, I have changed in my way of thinking as well to realise that you can’t keep all the books, especially the ones that you have read and no longer have any interest in.
Oh man, I’m such a sentimental person I can’t ever throw anything out. But I REALLY need to, especially now that I’ve decided to move out. The question is – HOW?! I’m also really tired too… we all need to rest more and just CHILL OUT.
That made me smile.
On the inside.
There was music playing, I’m sure, like they have in the enlightening scene of an inspirational film.
It just makes so much sense, at a soul level – like truth, real, tangible truth has been uttered here.
It’s more than just books, or things. A concept, a reality that reaches out into every facet of our humanity and makes me remember that everything we have is temporary, and it is the memories and the fleeting moments that we hold onto while things and people dear to us move on, in time.
Just… will I have the courage to remember that, when in it’s my turn to let go of things? We’ll have to wait and see :)
I certainly hope that you will be less tired soon! At my school, we have a saying that it is impossible to master academics, social life, and sleep; one can only master two out of the three. As you can probably guess, most people choose to not sleep enough most of the time, and often feel very tired, just like you. But most people recover once they finish school so I know that your life will improve in the near future.
I enjoy being a minimalist who keeps as little clutter as possible. It really helps you stay focused on the present for reasons that I do not fully understand. I’d be worried about you if you weren’t willing to throw away an old Valentine’s Day card and I’m happy to see that that’s not an issue for you!
You are a very remarkable person and it’s always fascinating and heartwarming to read these reflective posts.
I wish I could do this, but I love keeping things. I don’t think I’ve reached that point yet where I can detach the memories from the item. D: It was a pain for me to move out of my house twice because my parents would force me to throw away things and I could look at them and remember everything that it is to me.
But, I do agree with you on the books. I’m not sure why, but books are a lot easier to get rid of than other things. I love books; I used to have 2 large bookshelves full but there really is a moment in time when you look at them and you think “I really like that book, but will I ever read it again?”
I hope you feel less tired soon! ♥ I’ve felt tired for the past few months as well but I don’t even know what to blame it on. x__x