I read an article today about the pandemic warping our sense of time and how to gain it back. The article wasn’t particularly bad, and it had some takeaways, but I’ll sum it up for you: we were all stuck at home or working from home, unable to socialise, and being in the same environment and not really perceiving time the same way because we weren’t going out, commuting, being social, or doing the things we were used to doing. The takeaway was to realise that things are not going to be exactly the same as they were before (yes, I knew this, and this is the reason I’m sick of people saying “back to normal” as if it’s going to be exactly the same as it was before). The suggestion moving forward was to create new routines.

Create new routines. Is that why I’m stuck in a rut now? Do I need to change something? I’ve been struggling for the past week to find motivation and maybe I have just hit a wall. I dare say I did change some things throughout the pandemic that made it bearable. (Also, does the pandemic even have a definite end? No. No it doesn’t, fucking hell.) I got a personal trainer and we found a way to work out when gyms were closed. I caught up with colleagues by having picnics in the park. Having this variety in my day and in my life really helped me get through it all. Even moving helped things feel different, comfortable, and improved. But now I feel like maybe I hate my routine.

I have been considering working out in the afternoon rather than the mornings, but I’m not ready to make a change that big when I have been used to working out in the mornings for soooo damn long. Something that has shifted slightly is my occasional motivation to work early in the morning and get into a good state of focus. It only works out for me when I’m not going to the gym, though. Going to the gym and doing strength training takes me a considerable amount of time, and my morning becomes more drawn out as a result, because I take my time to recover, and eat, and shower, and basically get ready for work.

Also, as with anything new I try, “What if I fucking hate it?”

I don’t know. I guess I won’t until I try, huh? I mean, first I have to get my motivation back and feeling steady. I’ve had some days where it’s absolutely off the charts and I’m winning at life. Other days it’s just crap and taking two minutes to start something just feels like two minutes too long.

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I have been cleaning up bits and pieces on my blog, including making the off switch is broken free, with an option to buy me a coffee if you like my work. It just wasn’t really worth having that entire setup for the shop and payments, and I was in the process of cleaning out some of my blog as well. I am actually wondering when I will tire of the look and feel of my blog, because I think it is getting just a little bit “whatever” at the moment. I think I’m just not all that pleased with the homepage and the thumbnails anymore. But whatever I decide to do, I’ll just fix it in the open.

Something else I did recently was clean out my social media. That meant mostly unfollowing content and muting words and terms that I found triggering. I don’t use social media – I feel like the word “use” doesn’t even properly describe how I navigate social media on a daily basis. If you really want to compare it to something real, imagine that I just turn up to a birthday party – which very well could be my own – and tell everyone how great of a workout I had, or do a twirl in my outfit – and then just leave.

I spent a long time not reading or even looking at anything on social media; I simply used it to promote myself and my work. Now I’m finding that since I cleaned things up and unfollowed people, I actually don’t mind reading what is on my feed. In turn that fuelled some more nice connections with people I knew but felt like I hadn’t really “talked to” in a while.

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I’ve been playing with eyeliner recently; I’m not sure what exactly got me onto it again, but I had to pick up some new skincare last week. I don’t often go to the skincare store (maybe once every two to four months), but my eyeliner dried out a while ago and the makeup I have is old and dated, so I used the opportunity to also buy some eyeliner. I sort of stopped wearing makeup due to the pandemic. I bothered at the beginning of the pandemic, but stopped caring, and now I guess I’m interested in experimenting again. The main thing that has stopped me from drawing eyeliner in is that it’s honestly a bit of a pain sometimes, and I have hooded eyelids, so shit just smudges everywhere.

I am still in the middle of trying different techniques. I went and bought some cheap primer at the supermarket today; I frankly don’t love makeup enough to “invest” in it, so I just buy what is readily available and hopefully it’s not completely shit. I also don’t really use foundation, just tinted moisturiser, but probably need a slightly better base upon which to put some eyeshadow and eyeliner. I have to admit, my eyeshadow isn’t too crash-hot either, it’s quite an old palette and probably isn’t super amazing. Makeup is a skill that can take a lot of hard work, but honestly I just want to be able to accent my eyes a bit when I’m in the mood. I’m such a minimalist that buying new products irks me, and if I’m going to end up having more products due to wanting to wear more makeup, then I’m effectively screwed.

If my eyeliner smudges, it isn’t even the end of the world anyway. We’ve just gone through two years of that nonsense.