💗 Love is not a competition
Nick and I spent our Valentine’s Day evening at a Japanese restaurant near where we live, grumbling at the 15% surcharge and laughing off the slow service we previously experienced. But – the restaurant serves amazingly good food, and we have good company in each other, so we could look past those minor things.
When it comes to a loving a person, everyone has flaws. These flaws are things you eventually learn to accept, because your love for someone is far greater than the fact that they might have some bad or disgusting habits, tease your friends, put other things before you (sometimes), or have a less than favourable past. Just like our affinity for this Japanese restaurant, Nick and I look past and accept the things about each other that may not be perfect.
Although our relationship is not perfect, I’ve had the pleasure of receiving a lot of comments like “oh you guys are sooooo cute”, “#goals”, “wish I had a relationship like yours”, or “I wish my boyfriend did that”. I guarantee you that these people have also looked at other people’s relationships shown on social media and thought a similar thing. I’ll be honest, I probably have.
Love is not a competition with anyone else.
But love is not a competition. The constant comparison of what you have, to what you see other people have, is unhealthy. Just because someone posts a lot of photos with their partner and you don’t, doesn’t mean that you and your partner are any less:
- Just because you don’t have a friend to third-wheel you and take a photo of you hugging in a forest, does not mean that your relationship is not #goals.
- Just because you choose to play video games together instead of gazing into each other’s eyes as the sun sets, does not mean you don’t enjoy each other’s company.
- Just because you found each other on Tinder instead of him finally plucking up the courage to ask you on a date after eyeing you drinking coffee in your favourite cafe for the past three months, doesn’t mean – for goodness’ sake – it doesn’t mean you are not in love.
You don’t always see everything that goes on in someone’s relationship. Whether you see photos on Instagram, or see a couple once a week when you catch up, it may not be all rainbows. It doesn’t take a scientist to know that even Nick and I have had our arguments and have rough patches. What people post on social media, and what you may physically see of them, is a tiny, tiny window of what happens in their real lives.
Love is not a competition with each other.
Love, as it stands in a relationship, is also not a competition. It’s not about who loves who more. That should never be a topic of discussion. I’ve had a friend or a family member or two, ask casually, who loves who more?
It’s an uncomfortable question with no right or satisfactory answer. You can say “a lot”, “so much” – but love is love. You can love someone or you don’t. You can love someone for different reasons to someone else, but you cannot measure love, therefore you cannot say that someone loves someone more.
One of my favourite things about Nick is that he encourages me to do well and be better, when it comes to me. There is no selfishness. He supports me in my career choices and in the things I decide to do. Our hobbies may vary and even though we both work in technology, our roles are different. At some point we both got a series of pay rises within a year and kept earning more than each other. But we don’t ever put each other down when it comes to personal achievements. We 100% have and give the support.
For me, personally, this is vastly different from my previous relationships where I was often mocked or ridiculed for doing really well in my career. I was often tricked into not caring about my personal growth because my partner was jealous. Sometimes I just felt like I was not getting any support or encouragement, which made me sad. It’s unhealthy to compete with your partner on any level. You should bring out the best in each other. It’s important. 💖 This might be a hard balance to strike, and it can take time, but participating in therapy together can help you foster a supportive relationship with your partner.
Pink, pink, pink
I updated my blog’s theme to make it pink. Now, let me be clear: I hate the colour pink. But I got over that. I got over that and deployed this theme, because it looks nice, and it gives my blog a fresh look for the week. I’ll change it back when I feel like it. 😄
I changed my triangle logo to a heart, too. Nothing special, just the default heart that you can create in Photoshop. ;) The photo of me and Nick is one we took in Rome last June.
I love you Nick. 😘
I find myself always looking at couples on social media and thinking, “They are so cute! #relationshipgoals”, but always have to remember that this isn’t everything that we are seeing on social media. When it comes to social media, we are always going to be drawn to show the best version of ourselves. This is not to say couples SHOULDN’T post their relationship on social media, but I feel like people should be aware. Still, I find it hella cute and I will always find you and Nick HELLA cute. ☺️
I’ve always wondered who the person is that is taking these amazing photos of couples. Could just be a tripod, for all I know. Lol!
I’ve never really understood why people fascinate on who loves who more. I personally feel that there will be one person in the relationship that will love more than the other, but that doesn’t lessen the other person’s love AT ALL. It definitely makes for uncomfortable conversation, and I don’t see why people bring it up.
I think the most important thing is finding someone who is compatible with you; someone who will support you; is okay your flaws; doesn’t try to change you into something that THEY want. This does not mean that you necessarily have to be into the same things – you could have different viewpoints on varying topics, but I guess that’s what keeps it going and it’s always amazing discovering something new about your partner or learning something new WITH your partner about yourself or them.
I know you probably get this a lot, but: YOU AND NICK ARE THE CUTEST EVA 💕
When I saw the title of this post I instantly thought of the Kaiser Chiefs song “Love’s not a competition”. And I don’t usually like the colour pink, I love this Valentine’s Day theme update!
You’re right. Love isn’t a competition and relationships can look very different on the inside that on the outside. It’s normal to have differences. My parents have been married for like 30 years and they’ve had many arguments because arguments are a part of a relationship. It means you’re discussing your disagreements rather than sitting on them and saying nothing, which can be more harmful.
I don’t feel like there is any competition between Tyrone and myself. He’s finishing off his degree now and I’m sharing all my web development knowledge with him because I want him to succeed if he chooses to go down that career path. And if he ends up being more successful than me then it will just drive me to be better at my job, but not in a competitive way.
Tyrone and I were recently talking about how a year ago we were moving house and how every thing that could have gone wrong, and we laughed about it even though a year ago we were crying about it. I think that really shows the strength of our relationship.
That’s sort of where I got the title from. 😂 I love that song too!
I don’t usually like pink either, but I liked the pink that I did use. There are certain shades that I just can’t stand. The time I like pink the least is when I am wearing it. Just doesn’t go well with my skin colour.
You are in a great relationship! You obviously really support each other and there’s no competition at all. It’s important for both parties in a relationship to have their own strengths and their own interests. I once earned more money than Nick, now he earns more money than me… we just laugh about it because that’s happened a couple of times and we’re obviously doing very well.
One thing I finally had to make myself realise is this: What we see is sometimes very different from what something actually is. For instance, most mature adults will take social media outlets like facebook, instagram, ect and showcase their significant other doing something amazing and loving. We see this an instantly feel some sort of jealousy. It’s easy to forget that as humans we are quick to celebrate the positive and hide the negative.
No matter what we see in social media or television, relationships are NOT perfect. We see the flowers, jewelry, dates and dinners, but what we don’t see are the tears, sleepless nights, and arguments that go into making a relationship. Real relationships are combined of all these things, and hopefully the positives will outweigh the negatives.
We forget the bad that inevitably goes with good once the “puppy love” phase is over. To me, a relationship is the hardest thing in life. It’s a daily struggle to love a person through all of their faults, to help them grow and thrive, and to get past obstacles in their life as well as your own. If you’re a passionate, fiery person, you need a calm soul, and vice versa. Always be the voice of reason where the other has none. Grow TOGETHER, but keep some of yourself solely for you.
Just because your love isn’t “picture perfect” doesn’t mean it isn’t “real”. Like I told my sister, perfection doesn’t exist, perfection for you, does. More often than not, it takes a few tries, so take it as a learning experience. My first serious relationship was at 17. I was naive and swore I’d marry him because we’d been friends since high school started, and started dating the last year of school. I gave up dreams to follow him to his college, and I dropped out and came home after he admitted to sleeping with my friend. Pretty shitty right? Well I still learned a lot from that relationship, and I took what I learned and after a few more crappy relationships I found my husband. He’s 4 years my junior, and you can tell the age gap at certain times. He has his faults, some of them are pretty bad, but he does try. Slowly he’s becoming one hell of a man to me and my daughter, but it’s because I accept his faults. He accepts mine. We’re working through our issues, because well, real love, the “forever” kind we see in books and movies, is worth the fight.
It’s no competition to see who has the “better” relationship. Who cares who’s is “better” as long as you have a healthy relationship that makes you truly happy?
Thank you for sharing your story, Shanae. :)
It’s so true that we don’t see the hardships a couple goes through in a relationship. I hate to think the honeymoon/puppy love phase is “over” but the truth is that, in a good relationship, those feelings that made that stage so happy are still there.
Nick is younger than me by a few, you certainly can’t tell on the surface. I’m not sure what people think when they see us together and how we are around each other, but I think there are times when our age shows a bit more. 😜 I never thought “forever” was real until I met him, and gosh, I compare it to my naivety when I was a teenager and I realise that now I know what a good relationship should be like.
Totally agree with the message in this entry! Love is definitely not a competition, and every person looks for something different in a relationship. What one couple likes to do may not be the same as another. Also like you mentioned, no relationship goes perfectly. I never share arguments that I have with my husband because that’s personal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. The important thing is to be in the relationship that you and your partner wants. It’s not about being “better” than other people or being a copy of a relationship you see.
This pink theme is really cute, by the way!
Ah, I wondered if the heart was different, but how from if so. 😅
I agree with this post. I’m so happy you’ve someone who treats you well, with whom you trust. 💖
I frequently am all “#relationshipgoals”, but as a single person, it’s all mostly in fun…as a single, hopeless romantic (don’t you dare tell anyone) person. 😌
i love this post! you guessed it right, i DO love this post 👌
i personally don’t get or relate to the whole #relationshipgoals hashtag thing. i personally think that every couple or every individual should just focus on THEIR relationship or themselves instead of having this “relationship goals” thing. of course, that’s a matter of preference but i never find myself looking at a photo (or photos) of a couple and be like “omg this is it, #relationshipgoals” because i feel like once i start doing that, i’ll start comparing or idealizing about how i want MY relationship to be like THEIRS. does this make sense? it’s just my perspective on this stuff. hm, i might even elaborate it in a post of my own but eh, who knows.
i agree so much on your views regarding love as not something that should be deemed competitive. it irks me to hear the “who loves who more” question too. that’s disgusting and annoying. it’s almost as annoying as when people bother and pry and dictate me for my principle in relationship. they want theirs to be materialistic then so be it but i hate how they insist that i should harbor that materialistic standard too. ugh, no. i know we talked about this on twitter but it’s the same with valentine’s day and how people think i should receive gifts or flowers from my boyfriend. it’s annoying. i personally don’t care so why would they? meh. people should stop being so nosy.
Just because you choose to play video games together instead of gazing into each other’s eyes as the sun sets, does not mean you don’t enjoy each other’s company. omg haha this is how my boyfriend and i like to spend our time together. we either play video games or watch tv series together if we hang out at my place, for instance. i don’t like how “goals” are measured by grand stuff like how much money is spent on dates, how many presents he gives you, etc etc. you get the drill. if someone tells me that she or he found her or his partner through tinder and if they’re sure about the person they’re with, i’m not one to judge about whether that’s valid or not. again, i just…don’t wanna give a damn about other people’s decisions, you know. we should all learn to respect other people’s decisions in their lives haha
i hated pink too! but hey, guess what… i heard that pink calms us down and i think that’s sorta kinda true? i still dislike hot, barbie pink but pastel and rosy ones are awesome! i’m starting to love rosy tones so much more now. i have this LINE theme that incorporates this shade of pink and white too and i surprisingly have been loving it haha
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I once had a friend describe social media as looking at someone’s highlight reel. You don’t see the bad or ugly, the heartache or the hardships, you just see the good. But that’s not real – no one has a perfect relationship. And if you’re expecting a perfect, easy relationship, then you’ll never find that happiness.
I know that I have looked at you and Nick and have thought #goals about you guys working out together before, but it’s always been more inspiring to me. I think it’s so awesome how you guys encourage each other to accomplish each of your own personal achievements, and you work on those together. That’s such a huge part of love, supporting each other’s accomplishments and then celebrating them.
So I think it’s good to take inspiration and find motivation in others’ relationships, but it should never be a competition. It’s comparing apples and oranges because relationships are special and unique in each of their own ways. And that’s what makes love beautiful, how every through all the differences and quirks, it’s always the foundation of a relationship.
Also, love the pink for Valentine’s day!
YES! THIS ^^
I’m one of those people that occasionally gets saddened by how “unperfect” my relationship is despite how much I adore my husband, yet on social media you’d swear I’m Cinderella marrying Prince Charming, so social media never tells the whole truth. I think on one end that’s fine to share only your happy memories, but it’s really easy to forget the negative moments that go along with people being so happy. NOTHING in life worth having is perfect. Anyone who tells you different is selling something(baha Princess Bride reference…I need sleep xD)
I have been using the words “highlight reel” ever since I read your comment! ❤️
Y’all are so cute and how happy and healthy you guys seem is so encouraging and wonderful! I love… this post ♥
I can’t stand it when I’ve had conversations with a person, who just happens to be single, and views my relationship as my only reason for being happy. And sees a photo I post and thinks, your relationship must be perfect. Every relationship is different, so what is “perfect” for me, might not be for you or anyone else. I don’t see the point in comparing your relationship with anyone else’s. Not to mention the pressure you unknowingly put on your partner. How fair is that?
Perhaps, when someone sees a photo and they compare, or they wish for that, they mean their own flawed “perfectness”.
Great post! Love the pink.
There’s so much truth to this post!!! I used to look at couples post about themselves on social media and wish for the day that could be me, but then I learned other people have relationship problems as well. The difference is that they are with loving partners who help them become better people. I was talking with a friend on a bus ride last month about how bad I am at relationships, but she said everyone’s learning. That’s why this Valentine’s Day was my first one where I’m not mad at some guy or wishing I was in a loving relationship.
There are a few guys who tried to date me by making me feel bad about my work life and I was also heavily abused by a guy for caring more about my work than him. I haven’t been able to return to work life since because I’m still recovering from the damage.
I’m really happy that you and Nick have such a healthy relationship! I think that (and posts like this) should be the #relationshipgoals everyone swoons about.
I can’t even begin to explain how much I agree with everything you said about love in this entry. It really isn’t and should never be a competition.
This is such a great post. I think it’s important to see the real version of a relationship, not the imaginary one. I am so happy that you are a great support for each other and really seem to be able to help each other. In a real and honest way.
Dude. I love this pink. It looks so great. :D
With insightful remarks on what love is and is not, it’s no wonder you two are engaged! Bringing out the best of each other is what couples should do. You’re absolutely correct on that. Here is to upcoming years of happiness as you two gradually progress into husband/wife status. :)
Thank you so much, Thea! 💖
You definitely have a very healthy view on relationships and it’s very refreshing to see. I feel social media has made a kind of warping out of the every day – people really seem to forget that it’s just a snapshot in time and that what people share are the highlight reels, not the day to day stuff. That doesn’t make good viewing after all. I’m glad to hear you were able to enjoy your Valentine’s, despite the challenges
Everyone definitely has flaws. I do feel that love overpowers the flaws because you find other reasons to love the person (which makes the flaw insignificant). I agree with you that love is not a competition. Love comes in many shapes and size.
I just realized I made a reference to rainbows in my blog post for the same topic. (First time reading this post, I swear ;~;).
Anyways, I think it’s good not to post about arguments (especially during the time) unless you’re trying to share a lesson or something. Nick is such a sweetheart. A man should want you to do your best. It’s so low of a guy to put down his girlfriend for succeeding.
To add on to how love isn’t a competition, there’s no need to compare one relationship to another. (eg. mine vs yours). Everyone came from different backgrounds. The biggest thing that matters is loving that person you’re dating/married to. In that case, soon to be married to in your case ;) ;) (holla at you~~).
PS. I love this shade of pink.
My husband and I often like to brag to each other about how we’re totally the best couple. Which is funny since we also have the most epic fights. But we’ve learned to deal with the troubles. (No, we’re still learning actually. It’s a process.) To be fair, we don’t take the bragging public. But often we’re doing something together or dealing with something or cooking together or whatever, and we pause and self-congratulate ourselves, haha. Obviously we’re not everyone’s ideal relationship. But we like it. And that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
First off, love the theme! I know you don’t like pink, but hehe, I do! XD
Also I think this is a post many people do need to hear. Not even just about love, about anything! Well as far as the competing with each other and such (not that some competitions are meant to be fun!).
But it sounds like you and Nick have a lovely relationship. =3
Very good post. In my experience, the couples who post every little detail on social media, seem to be the ones who are always having problems. The ones who don’t post as much seem to be the happier ones, because they are less concerned with outside attention and “likes”.