weeknotes #37: don’t panic / new music
I want to write a bit about how I’m bad at blogging regularly, but I need to not apologise for that kind of shit. That’s so… 2005? Hah.
This morning I was in such a panicked state. I found myself unable to focus on something as small as deciding on what to wear for the day. I think the extreme wind totally set me off. It’s been so windy here that Nick’s bonsai plants out on the balcony threatened to be damaged, and the other week in the middle of recording a Toast & Roast podcast episode, the metal cage over the top of the air conditioning unit just blew off and hit the balcony with an extremely loud thud. The un-staged shock in the recording was rather funny so we decided to leave it in the recording… look out for that episode soon. It’s also been windy to the point that I’m hearing whirring noises or high pitched sounds around the apartment, and outside I can hear the general sound of disruption. It’s unpleasant. Chris suggested putting headphones on, and he’s right – I totally forgot about my noise-cancelling headphones because I don’t use them often these days (less interruptions because I am able to close my door).
Jane said it sounded like sensory overload when I explained that the sound of the wind was starting to terrify me and I couldn’t think straight. Sensory overload is something I experience when I’m already in some amount of stress or struggle. Audio or video being played from a device at even the slightest hint too loud, will be very unpleasant. Just the other week, I stopped Nick from playing a video while we ate dinner because I just felt so overwhelmed that I wanted to eat in silence for a few minutes. Oh man.
This morning I just found that the tiniest shit was making me anxious. I couldn’t even decide on what clothes to wear because although the sun was out, it was so windy that it made me feel uncomfortable, and uncertain about whether it was actually warm or cold (it was warm, but I later found that the wind outside was uncomfortable). I found myself curled up in a ball feeling a panic attack coming on, but I stared into the distance and just really tried to think about nothing. I don’t know how one thinks about “nothing”, but frankly, not thinking about anything that was just recently on my mind was helpful, and not “worrying” about anything in the near future, even in the next 30 seconds to a minute, really avoided the situation from getting much worse.
I really did feel like I needed someone to rub my shoulder or arm in a comforting manner, though.
After I felt a bit better I focused on just trying to get out of my bed shirt and into some clothes. In my mind, I picked out my jumpsuit, because it’s easy, and still looks somewhat presentable. I just needed to get dressed and then I could decide what to do next. I think I just generally find it difficult to do much when I haven’t gotten dressed.
I decided to take the morning off work. I had a cup of tea and folded some laundry. Just stuff to keep me from thinking about the shit I was panicking about – I’d defer that shit until later.
Feeling better now, managed to walk to the post office, and do some work in the afternoon. I walked in the stupid wind (as opposed to driving – after almost having a panic attack, I decided it was maybe not the best idea for me to operate a vehicle), and it was so uncomfortable, to be honest. I feel like despite having sunglasses I walked with my eyes half shut the whole time because of flying debris, and my nose was watering, as it has been the past few days, probably because of the wind blowing pollen all up in my business. I don’t get awful hayfever, but I am sensitive to seasonal changes. I found myself having a couple of minor nosebleeds the past few days too.
I am better now. I think I will likely still need as much space as I can get, but I’ll be fine.
For the last couple of weeks I have been listening to some new music. The album that’s been on repeat is Being Funny In a Foreign Language by The 1975 – and of course I jumped onto getting concert tickets as soon as they were available for their Australia and NZ tour in 2023. 🤘🏼 Some of the songs on the album were released prior to the album’s release date, but that didn’t stop me from loving the album as a whole.
A lot of people are talking about Taylor Swift’s album Midnights that was released last week. I did give that a listen, but it turns out Carly Rae Jepsen released The Loneliest Time on the same day, and I gave that a listen immediately after – and I hope I’m not disappointing anybody in particular, but I love it so much more than the Taylor Swift album.
I had intentions on listening to Taylor’s album again, and I did today, for the second time since it was released. But Carly Rae Jepsen’s album truly fulfils my desire for wanting more disco music since I was a kid. It’s a lot more upbeat in comparison (not that I’m really comparing the two!) to Taylor’s album. They both have their own merit, but Carly’s is just what I need right now. 🌻
For anyone interested, my favourites from Taylor’s are Mastermind, Bejeweled, High Infidelity, and Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve. My favourites from Carly Rae’s are Beach House, Western Winds, Bad Thing Twice, Keep Away (the bonus track).