What you want
There are times I’ve thought, I know what I want, I’m just gonna go for it, maybe, yes, no. It might have been as simple as buying some food from a restaurant, ordering something online, or something as big as a career change.
There are times I realise I could have tried harder to get what I want, but didn’t. Sometimes I’m not a hundred percent sure why. There have been many difficult times in my life where I’ve made decisions that I probably shouldn’t have, or made decisions to settle with something less than what I wanted, or that simply wasn’t what I wanted at all. It’s obvious that those decisions got me, eventually, to where I am today, and any mistakes I made wouldn’t make me the person I am today. Had I not made mistakes, I would not have learned from them, and I would not have known the difference between right and wrong, hate and love, anger and joy, sadness and happiness.
I suppose the same applies for every person, and sometimes a bit of regret can lead you to keep thinking about those decisions and rethinking what you actually want.
People can want anything in life, and they have every right to choose that. They also have every right to choose what they don’t want. The thing that pinned me down the most when it came to what I wanted was thinking too much about other people around me, and caring more about what they wanted than what I wanted.
Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?
Allie: It’s not that simple.
Sometimes it is simple, sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is just hard to wade through the pain and upset, the frustration and the sadness.
On the other hand, sometimes what you want is staring you in the face. And what you have to do to get it, realistically, isn’t that hard. All the steps you plan in your head, all the time spent imagining how it might go, and then as soon as you realise your mother might not be happy with it, your sister might shun you for it, your sister might hate you forever – you stop. Then you don’t do it.
It was some time last year. I might have tried a few times to go for it. To do what I wanted to do. But I retreated, after thinking about how I might be better off not going for it, because it would keep everyone happy. Everyone else, that is – even though I was not.
I know I tried with difficulty, to shy from the pain, and it was hard. I guess there is also an innate fear associated with taking that step and telling yourself to do so. Some things are difficult when they are inextricably linked to something you want, but is so sensitive.
After thinking about what I wanted and going through familiar motions, sadly it became the end of us.