I hope you come around

Well, I didn’t go. My mum thought it would be nice to just “ban” (whatever word you want to put here, really) me from going to Jebediah’s show, so I didn’t go. Yeah, it’s ludicrous alright. Yeah, I got really upset and angry. Yes, I tried talking to her. Yes, I tried everything, besides, it’s too late now. I would be there right now if I had gone. I would have had a good time. But no, I didn’t go. I won tickets for a show, I planned to go with Seb, and suddenly, this happens.

It was just over little things. I didn’t do the washing right away, because I forgot until later. I didn’t put sunscreen on and she got mad. I just… I don’t know.

Brandon, my brother, only fifteen, is nice to talk to sometimes. He understands how I feel, even though it’s not really me crying and him giving me a hug or anything like that, but we talk about it. We discuss our problems and I know he approaches me when he wants advice on education or school things because I have more experience than him in that aspect. I find that we talk easily about our hobbies or when we have funny stories to share. It’s nice because in the past we never usually got along – we fought a lot. Now I’m able to talk to him and he tried to help me reason with my mum, or at least, help me sort of get over the fact that she just wouldn’t let me go to the show.

It wasn’t hard to take, at first, my mum snapping at me saying I wasn’t going, saying it was final, saying there was nothing I could do to make her change her mind. I wanted to rage. Well, I did, but in appropriate words, still remembering that I’m trying not to swear/cuss. I could have screamed, but no, I didn’t. I considered running away, just going for it. Not after she threatened to change all the locks on the doors of the house so I couldn’t get inside.

If she threatens me so much, if she doesn’t want me inside, why can’t I just get kicked out? Ugh.

I was very upset and angry. Over the course of the evening, feeling obviously sorry for myself, I kept thinking about how I’m twenty years old and this should not even happen, I shouldn’t feel like a prisoner in my own house. Erin and Jennifer talked it out with me and even though I really am not in a place to move out, one day I will, I will be able to – they helped me look on the bright side.

Still, I am upset because I honestly didn’t realise how much live music meant to me until now, until one opportunity was taken away so brutally from me like that. Why, in the past, when I wasn’t allowed, for whatever reason, I just stuck it out. Why this time, I got so upset. Jebediah aren’t my favourite band. But I love their music. It’s music that I wanted to hear live. What’s more, I won the tickets, but now after this ordeal I would buy them any day, whenever they come to Sydney next. Heck, I’d go to the other side of Australia to see them. But yeah, I’m still angered.

I talked to James, and he tried to get me to look on the bright side. Even just talking it out with someone helps. I feel like James listens even if he doesn’t have a lot to say. I found myself constantly upset, having to announce that I was upset, an emotion which disappeared when I attempted to forget it but kept coming back. I talked to Seb; I felt bad that I’d inconvenienced him, but he forgave me. I feel grateful that I have understanding friends.

I hate what happened, hate what my mum did. I tried talking it out with her. She will never understand how much music means to me. She doesn’t listen to much of it. She doesn’t know how much I love music, how much bands have inspired me. She obviously didn’t know how important this was to me. Well, screw that.

Really though… I have a horrible relationship with my mother, I will admit that. For such a long time. And for such a long time, if ever I was granted one wish, I would wish for us to have a good relationship. If I could be that selfish and just ask for one thing. I care about it. It’s a shame it was just like this. In short, it sucks. I’m telling myself it isn’t the end of the world. I’m still really, really upset, but I know that worse things could happen to me.

Whatever.

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