Teargarden

It’s been a long and ugly weekend. I mean seriously ugly. Hours and hours of cleaning and vacuuming and tidying up shit. Admittedly I am less angry about my relatives coming and I am willing to welcome them (though I can’t welcome them as soon as they arrive because I have work tomorrow). I guess they’ll be in the way. Naturally though… because what else can I expect. They will cause changes to my routine and what happens, happens.

Yesterday I was not feeling good at all because of all the crap happening at home. My mum wasn’t very pleased at all. I started to feel miserable because my week had been so busy and full of work and I wanted a break and just some time for myself. I shouldn’t be selfish, but I didn’t really like my mum getting angry at me.

I suppose I let my emotions get the better of me again because I started cutting myself with a screwdriver. I honestly tried everything not to cut myself. I didn’t eat for a whole day because I refused to eat until things got better. It was stupid, I know. My mum thought it was impossible that I “wasn’t hungry” and that I hadn’t eaten anything. But I’ll look at it in a different light and since I was back to normal today I’ll just say that I had a one-day fast. I don’t want to encourage myself to starve so I’m not going to look at it like that at all.

I tried… I scribbled on some paper and doodled and listened to music to get things off my mind, and I tried tearing it to bits. I even grabbed my pillow and started whacking the side of my bed. I tried to wrap myself in a blanket, like James said, because just like being handed a blanket when in shock, it calms you down, makes you feel better.

I felt nice under my blanket but I was crying so much that I just grabbed almost the first thing I saw. I regret doing it, I really do. I tried to gain self-control but I picked it up and put it back down several times… I didn’t bleed. And then I guess I decided I was being a wuss and stopped. I felt horrid after that. Just, never again. The last time I did that was years ago. I think it was just the fact that I felt so trapped. I wanted to be alone but I couldn’t be alone even for a few minutes to let myself breathe. 😞

I promise, I promise I am not doing it again.

Today improved, it was better. A lot of cleaning and hoovering but my mood picked up as well and I just tried to be as patient as I could. I got mildly irritated at my stubborn brother. I woke up at about 5:00am just so I could watch some Doctor Who and get the “me time” I had longed for the entire week. I eventually went back to sleep before anyone else woke up and got myself more sleep.

I went for my blood test yesterday as well. It went alright, I didn’t faint or anything; I am just hoping that the results are good. My cholesterol had better have gone down. 😞 I don’t know why I’m so worried, I’ve been eating so many peas. πŸ‘Š I felt good today, I had two pieces of chocolate after dinner because I thought I deserved it after trying so hard to lower my cholesterol. I’m looking forward to seeing some low numbers on printed paper soon, and hopefully no calls from the doctor telling me to take some pills. ☺️

I guess this week I’ll be trying to pop out of the house more and hopefully I’ll cheer up a little more during the week. I’ll try to smile. β™₯️

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