Hold that thought.

A while ago, my friend Seb told me that his favourite blogs of mine – or really, the better ones – were the ones I didn’t plan, and where I just typed anything that was on my mind. For the longest time I refused to believe that unplanned writing was my best, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it’s when my mind works best. I’m not saying that every time I write a blog post, I plan everything I write.

Speak of the devil! Seb just asked me a question on Tumblr. And yeah… I’ve sort of found my love (or like) for Tumblr again. I’ve changed my username to hey-georgie. I guess Tumblr is just one of those things I’m going to forever have a love/hate relationship with. I even went so far as to make some tribute Tumblr blogs for my favourite bands. Whatever, man. I guess this is how I roll, huh? I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those people who spend all day on Tumblr. I have nightmares remembering the time I was addicted to Tumblr a few years ago.

Anyway. It’s high time I slept, but a few little things just tickled my mind and made me want to write. Basically – stuff that makes me cry. I can’t get over things easily. I really can’t. But when I think of the numerous things that have made me cry, I realise that they’ve made me cry once, twice, maybe three times, but after that, it’s not something I cry about but something I get more upset, or even angry about. One of my favourite albums of all time is What To Do When You Are Dead by Armor For Sleep. Armor For Sleep are easily my favourite band, but now that they’ve disbanded, and have been that way for a few years… I feel like they will have that special place in my heart, but they can’t be my favourite band when they’re disbanded.

What To Do When You Are Dead defined the darkest years of my life so far, and yet helped me power through a lot of them. The album is a concept album and tells the story of a protagonist’s journey through the afterlife following his suicide, which was a result of a straining relationship with his girlfriend/partner (it’s rather vague). It goes through the Kรผbler-Ross 5-stage model of grief management:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

I can’t say that any of the little things that make me cry are actually even worth crying about. But they’re tiny as hell. It starts with… well, to be honest, the whole thing encompasses something that means a lot to me – music. Every time something in music makes me sad or upset, it leads on to something else, and that makes me even more upset. I don’t even know why I’m upset. But let’s start with Armor For Sleep. They disbanded, and I was crushed. They had a farewell show, in New Jersey, and I would have given my left foot to have gone. But I didn’t. It was sort of beyond reasonable circumstances. Some people might think, “Heh, then you’re not that big a fan of the band, are you?”

Some people would go to extreme lengths to see their favourite band live. At the same time, you have to be real. You should be real, in the words of March of the Real Fly. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, and around that time I was studying, not to mention at such short notice I wasn’t mentally prepared to sit on a plane alone for 22 hours and travel to the other side of the world. Yes, now, these days, two hours to travel to a venue for a gig to see one of my favourite bands isn’t much hassle at all. It is the furthest I’ll go right now.

Maybe three? Yeah maybe three. Which brings me to my dumbest regret of the year: not going to the Fat As Butter festival. It was three hours up north, but it couldn’t have bothered me – if I didn’t have class that day. Andrew offered me a free ticket, and even offered to write me a doctor’s certificate when I said I had class.

You know what? Next time, I’m taking the offer. I’m such an idiot. What did I tell myself back in August? Hey Geronimo > uni. Always. So next time, if there ever is a next time, music is more important than education to me, and if I miss one class, FUCK THAT. LOL.

But that’s honestly one of the dumbest regrets I have.

It also makes me upset to remember that I missed out on seeing a lot of bands every now and then.

Back to the deepest cut of them all, is when bands do disband. There are two cases. If it’s a band you couldn’t care less about – there’s no point discussing that. Let’s assume you like the band. The two cases are:

  1. You know them before they disband. You follow them from beginning to end, or even just from middle to end.
  2. You find out about them after they’re long gone. Or just after they’re gone.

I don’t know what hurts more to listen to. When I think of the second case, I think of cases like The Beatles, Nirvana, Electric Light Orchestra, and other bands that stopped recording long before I was born. Right now, I don’t feel sad for them, because I didn’t watch them split and separate and disband. Logically, this should be the case that hurts less, or shouldn’t hurt at all. But sometimes, it does. Sometimes you learn about the entire history behind a band, regardless of their “dead” status, and you walk through that life and that era on your own, in your own time, at your own pace. You don’t watch it unfold, but how is it different?

It hurts, just as much, to love a band after they’ve gone, does it not?

I’ve taken myself to the history of Hey Geronimo and to the beginnings of the musical careers of some of the band members. I’ve taken myself through listening to Montpelier and Blame Ringo and The Quills, and I’ve pulled myself through all that music. Why does it make me cry?

Is it because it is so powerful, because of the style of music, the nostalgia it brings? Why do I feel pained when half those band members still perform in another band? Why do I listen to these songs and feel tears well in my eyes? Is it because I realise that further music by this band will never exist? Is it because by being in the past, those songs are sometimes forgotten? If they were a popular band, perhaps it wouldn’t feel that way. But they weren’t huge bands, they were only known in this country.

Even though bands change their sound, over time, why do I feel sad that no new music will be made? So many artists these days write new tunes, and their old ones are long forgotten.

Why do I even bother taking myself through the back catalogues of bands that no longer exist? It is like I’m stuck in the fourth stage of depression in Kรผbler-Ross’s model, struggling to accept. Or I have accepted the truth that some bands don’t exist anymore… and maybe I just weep because the music, in itself, is incredible.

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Comments on this post

Georgie, you are definitely a fan and if anyone is a fan, you are. And if I were a musician, I’d rather have the appreciation of fans like you who will travel only within limits to see a band rather than the left foot of someone who traveled halfway across the world. The thought of someone being such a fan that they’d travel across the world scares me a bit.

As much as I love musicians and the groups they form, I guess that I tend to think of being in a band as a job that people take, because it’s what they choose to make a career out of – probably a result of playing in lots of three-day classical music festivals (those groups disbanded after one concert and three days) in high school. And bands rise and fall just like startup companies and small teams of researchers. People come and go in bands just like people join and leave companies, except bands have a more sentimental artifact attached to them for a reason I can’t explain. Bands breaking up is sad, but thankfully, there will be new bands to take their place. (Like Hey Geronimo, which is awesome! Georgie, you have convinced me to be one of their fans!)

I feel the same way about Tumblr. Sometimes I love it, then other times it really annoys me. I guess I find it slightly annoying not being able to organise everything (Pinterest makes me happy that way, heh) but Tumblr is popular and you can share images to a wide audience.

It is so interesting to read your very deep love and bond for music. To have such a connection to something that can affect you would be wonderful and tragic (in the emotional sense that you described). On a very small level I can understand the feeling of connecting to bands and music, and how they sit with me at a certain time of my life. The music can, to me represent an even, a place an emotion or thought that is so how connected to it.

Heh, my comment is not doing as deep as your post was. I think it is good that you do care so passionately. It would be a relationship that not everyone would understand, and is something to be cherished. โ™ฅ๏ธ (Even if sometimes it is sending you into depression….. ๐Ÿ’€ )

I love Tumblr! I can spend all day on it. I guess because I just love those pictures and funny stuff I find on it. I guess I’m easily amused ๐Ÿ˜›

I guess when we don’t plan things, they end up being better than we thought. Honestly, I like both of your writing styles. Planned and unplanned. I think you do your best in both.

Ahh, Tumblr. That monster. I was addicted two summers ago. When everyone still thought they were hipsters for using Tumblr even though they didn’t even remember Tumblarity. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I completely deleted my Tumblr because it would have been too “incriminating” for lack of a better word if a potential employer Googled my name, but part of me wishes I could have kept it lying around purely because I was proud to have joined the site in 2008 before many people knew about it. I definitely joined Tumblr before I joined Twitter. ๐Ÿ˜†

1) Never having seen A7X before the Rev died
2) Never having seen HU before Deuce left
3) Getting into Suicide Silence two months ago and then planning to see them with Asking Alexandria on December 3rd and Mitch dying before that
4) Never being able to see the original lineup of Guns N’ Roses
5) Et cetera.

๐Ÿ˜ญ

I love music, Georgie.

Georgie! If there’s anyone who knows what hell I went through with University it’s you hahaha. All those iMessages are proof.

Oh boy, I have some really bad memories from my addictive Tumblr days as well. Never again haha. Although I feel like if I were to log on.. and start scrolling through everyone’s reblogs and posts.. I could easily get addicted again. THOSE GIFS AND MEMES ARE TOO GOOD I SWEAR.

I like this badass attitude of yours. Uni is like a controlling bitch. Please do take these opportunities to go to awesome gigs and festivals and don’t let uni stop you. To hell with that one class you’ll be missing, muahaha.

Ya’know, I’ve never been a person who has really connected with the emotions of a song. You’re probably like what the hell. I’m like what the hell too. Is something wrong with me.. or.. yeah, I just listen to songs and then sometimes, only sometimes.. when I’m really emotional or on my period or something, will my mood and emotions be affected by the song. Otherwise, nada.

My goodness though. You are passionate and dedicated as hell to these bands that you love. I think it’s great how you’re so into not only what they were, or what they’ve become or what they’ve ended up as, but EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. You’re definitely one of the most loyal and true fans I’ve ever known.

I wish I could have the type of connection that you have with the music you listen to. It sounds surreal.

Hey Georgie! Remember me? From yearssss ago! I’m back in the internet now lol.

Your website looks amazing! I love the name. You know, you’re one of only two websites I remember from back when I used to blog on Paper Hearts ๐Ÿ™‚

How have you been?

Y’know, its weird when you think about bands like Green Day, Blink 182 and Bad Religion. I don’t want to imagine a world where they’re not making music or there’s nothing new from them, but at the same time it’s like, they’re so past their primes (maybe Green Day & Blink more then BR) that maybe I’d rather remember their best stuff than listen to them now. You don’t want them to go away but for the sake of the reasons why you love that band, maybe it’s for the best?

Anyway, have a happy holiday!

I can’t really define my relationship with Tumblr. I sort of liked it at one point but then somehow I’ve forgotten all about it. It’s as if like it just walked passed me and didn’t even leave any profound impact in my life. I still keep my Tumblr account active, though ๐Ÿ˜›

Music is amazing. While I don’t actually have any particular preference for any bands, I enjoy listening to songs that move my heart. It doesn’t really matter what the genre is, as long as I can relate to the lyrics. ๐Ÿ˜†

You (and every person outside my country) are lucky because you get to attends concerts. Over here, we don’t have theatres, operas, concerts (for international artists), you name the rest, because of religious and/or political reasons. If we do have any, it’s probably endorsed by the gov. ๐Ÿ˜ข

Ah I forgot to add, the last time we had any real gigs was back couple of months ago by this band The Methods. I secured a ticket but didn’t attend it ๐Ÿ˜›

I made a Tumblr account years ago which I haven’t used it till now,
I’m using it as my fangirl picture storage since I need a place for that. Hehe. I’m terrible. ๐Ÿ˜‹

But its also sad to see old places like livejournal go silent after hit of new social networks, I feel like this never ends. ๐Ÿ˜ž